Maybe writing about it will be cathartic.  Who knows? I've been in the state of "meh" for almost a month now.  Not sure what it is, or maybe subconsciously I know and just dont want to admit it. Everyday i wake up and just so so so so tired - >(

Heart's really heavy and I dont know if its in the right place or not. Need to get my act together before other things get affected

Just whatever

I'm back again.  Funnily enough, I don't think my state of mind and heart had changed much since October. Another year has come and gone.  My sister has been asking me when I will post my January entry.  I told her maybe not this year - because too many people died in 2014 to be remembered.

The world has certainly changed.  It is meaner, badder, darker - everyday in the news there is robbery, killing, opportunists, terrorists.  Why just yesterday, a hunt for a 12 year old girl has been started because she stole a US$4M diamond necklace.  She walked into the store, took the key and slipped one of the more expensive things.  She's 12.  Where did she learn that?  What has the world come to.

My friends and I have changed - we start talking about wanting (or not wanting kids).  How expensive "they" will be and how much "our" lives can potentially change more.  My, my, the world sure has changed.

Where was the world that I left behind 7 years ago?  It was noisy then - sure.  We all had our issues, sure.  But I do think that people were happier, slightly happier at least.

My mom closed down our business of about 35? years - I think it's bittersweet.  I start to worry about what she will do soon - and how her life will change.  I'm wondering how she is coping, how we will be coping...how things will end up.

Today I went to service, and broke down in tears in the 2nd verse of the response song.  There are times when a song makes you teary eyed...but break down is unusual.  It made me feel that I should be trusting My God more - and I'm not.  For that, I am sorry.  It is a learning process and amidst this gray sky, I am and will continue to try.

"Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now"

My God has never failed me - there is no reason that He will.  My faith wavers but his remains still and strong ready for me to grab on.  What am I afraid of.  Fear has taken me on all these years. God help me. 

Some things I have been thinking about lately -

- Disney Cruise - a must in someone's lifetime

- Plan Japan trip - it's coming

- Be patient - October will arrive

- My permanent residency

- My contingency plans 

- Fairy tales and prince charming

- My future

- Health - or the lack of it

- Diet and exercise programs

- Cooking classes

WHAT's next?

Hingang malalim - onward to the future.