curiosity...and where it brought me

Curiosity isnt always a good thing.
Sometimes when you see something you ought not to
Then it becomes evil, becomes poisonous

Once the content sinks in
It poisons your soul
Bit by bit
Only with the right will power would you be able
To overcome

A sense of guilt by seeing it
A sense of familiarity washing over me
A sense of hopelessness pushing through
But also, the urge to stand back up again...

Yeah, curiosity isn't always a good thing

Piracy

Islander Slippers

Are you sure about that? Talk about piracy. ;)

despite the changes ive adapted for this site, im moving back to LJ for a while, you can access it through the link somewhere at the side. ill be posting here sometimes as well, but LJ for the moment. ;) or at the same time. basta. hehe

little doggie

I liken myself now to a dog who desperately goes around to catch his tail. It's a sad picture, I know. But that's how it is, you simply go around and around until you get tired and decide to move on. You get bored again like the little doggie does, and you stop and find your tail to chase once again.

It's a stupid practice, you see, going on and on when from experience you already know that you ain't gonna catch it. Still, the dog finds sheer joy in running around to catch the elusive tail.

he never catches it, but what if some other dog suddenly comes along and bites it off?

Wala lang. hehehe

it's been eight years dad...and i think life's going from good to bad to worse...i dunno what the difference will be if you were here...maybe all of us wouldn't be this crazy...maybe all of us wouldn't be this stupid...or maybe all of us would be...would be just the same...

matagal nang tanga...laging mali...hindi ako yung tipong taong makakacomfort sayo pag hiningi mo...hindi ako yung kayang sumunod o maisip ka o kung ano man. sabi nga ng isang matalik na kaibigan, wala raw akong puso. pero sino bang magkakaroon ng puso kung ganon ang pamilya mo? mahal ko sila, tangina, oo, kahit wala akong puso, mahal ko sila. Yung wala ka lang magagawa kasi nandiyan eh. Ako daw yung laging self-seeking, gusto ko lang isipin na hindi ako ganoon ka sacrificial. Sasagipin ko ang sarili ko kasi kelangan eh, ayoko bumagsak tulad nilang lahat. Ayoko bumagsak kasi inaasahan din naman nila akong di ako bumagsak. Kaya sige lang lipad, pahinga sandali tapos lilipad nanaman. Nakakapagod, hindi lang siguro nila alam yon. Yung tipong ikaw ang nasa dulo, wala nang pag-asa, tapos aasahan ka. Oo, wala akong puso, hindi ba yon naman ang nais nyo? Na matuwa lang sa kung anong gusto niyo, at hayaan ko nalang ang sarili ko... Tangina, ayaw ko nang mangyare yon. Plastikan nalang, lagi na...Nakakapagod...Pero kahit ganito, mahal ko parin sila, pucha, pamilya eh.

Minsan naisip ko kung may patutunguhan ba ako sa buhay dahil sa kung anu-ano nalang ang ginagawa nila sa buhay ko. Kung noon, sige na lang ng sige, tanggap nalang tanggap, parang ngayon, ayaw ko na. ewan. ewan. ewan.

suko na talaga ako, sabagay, hindi naman importante sa kanila, di na naman nila ako maaasahan. sabi nga kasi, makasarili daw ako.

cge, paalam.

argh

It's been a while. Writing gets boring and tiring after some time, you know? But well, I just want to say I'm so damn frustrated...Argh, my greatest dream right now, is to simply squeak by thesis class with a D...oh God, I need help.

All the finals are comprehensive. Whoa! glory be! I'm soooo excited. Mom's coming home from China today, oh that means no more bumming. I have to go pick her up, argh i have a long test and a case study to finish. I wanna say I hate being a student but I know in the end I'll regret it. Argh. whatever. I hate being a student.

Abnormal Psych is abnormal with a slow-speaking teacher and lots of papers. Thank God for bonus points or else I'll swear it off forever. Theology sucks because I get stupid grades for quizzes. Man, what does he expect? Us to memorize Rerum Novarum? What the hell is that? Which reminds me, I have to get a reading before I leave. Oh, heaven help me. I can't take it anymore. Thesis? What about thesis? I don't KNOW!!! Argh, too much frustration, too much too much, i cant wait for vacation and I can just throw all of it away. I havent been this irresponsible for such a loooonnnnggg time. Comparative anatomy, oh let's just not talk about it.

I give up. or well, i dont know. argh argh argh is all i can say.

kay bilis ng panahon.
advanced happy birthday kay cathy.
may another year grant you more wisdom. :)

got this from an email -- welcome to holland.

credit goes to annbau for sending this to me :) about a mother who had a child with down syndrome.

WELCOME TO HOLLAND

by
Emily Perl Kingsley.

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

immersion tomorrow. argh. dont know what to think. i suddenly became the magic schoolbus for me and my groupmates. not that i mind. :) oh well. life goes on.

who wants tickets to the mtv concert at the fort tomorrow? go to admu and get them from cathy.

i flopped my theo orals today. i swear, it seemed like it was the first time that i heard myself stutter. such a complete lack of confidence, could've just slapped myself right then and there if that didn't look more stupid than anything else.

it was crazy. i go into the room, saying, "is God with me today?" reaching towards the table and grabbing a number that was upside down..and when i saw it, looked at my teacher, i said, "no, God is not with me today..."

it was a figure of speech. i knew he was there. Maybe i just lacked the faith i needed to hack through my orals... God, i never saw myself that flustered... it was just not me. but well, i was flustered and I got the thesis statement that i hated the most: Thesis #1.

I swear my heart dropped. i listened to myself stutter unable to explain the essence of liberation theology.. gawdddd. i should lean to process theories better the next time around... argh

this is too much of a damn day

senior's schmenior's page

With respect to lack of artistic talent.

Bow.

figure this out

I was walking in the raging rain yesterday after my philosophy exam and in front of me was a guy sharing his umbrella with a girl.

The guy wanted to enter the nearest entrance to the caf but the girl pointed the other way and said, "doon tayo..."

The guy protested saying, "eh mas malapit to eh"

The girl answered, "eh, umuulan diyan eh"

Go figure.

pabago-bagong pangarap

noong bata ka, bibigyan ka ng papel ng iyong guro, at isusulat sa pisara, 'iguhit kung ano ang gusto mong maging paglaki mo...' tandang-tanda ko pa noon, guguhit ako ng isang stick figure tapos may pisara sa likod. sasabihin kong gusto kong maging guro. ewan ko kung ginawa ko ito para matuwa yung mga guro ko (kung natuwa man talaga sila) o dahil gusto ko talaga yon. o baka naman yon lang alam kong iguhit, di talaga ganoon kalinaw sa akin. pero dahil nga iyon at iyon lang rin ang aking iginuhit, iyon ang aking nagsilbing pangarap, maging isang guro imbes na maging isang bumbero, pulis at kung ano pa.

nang natapos na ang mga taon ng pagguhit at pumasok naman at panahon ng pagsulat, nagbago ang aking pangarap, o siguro natutunan ko lang kung paano baybayin ang salitang "businesswoman" at iyon lang ang isinusulat ko sa tabi ng "AMBITION:______" sa hindi na mabilang na autograph book ng aking mga kaibigan habang ang iba naman ay iniisip maging doktor, abogado at kung ano...

naisip ko lang ngayon, bakit sa panahon na iyon, hindi ko lubos matulak ang sarili kong isulat na nais kong maging guro...naging pangarap ko nga ba?

tumagal din ang panahon ng mga autograph book, pero natapos din naman. habang tumatagal ang panahon, dumadami ang mga natutunan...lumabas ang mga computer at nangarap akong maging isa computer engineer o kung mayroon ba talagang computer scientist, yon ang inisip kong gawin habang buhay...pero nawala din ang hilig, lumipas...tulad ng pangarap maging isang guro at ang hilig na maging isang negosyante. unti-unting nagbabago, sa matiyagang paghubog ng panahon...

matapos ang lahat, late bloomer ata ako, naisip ko namang mag communications para maging abogado o kaya journalist ako sa future, pinagsawaang pangarap ng aking mga kaibigan sa mga slum book, bigla lang naging akin...iyon yung mga panahon na naisip ko na magagamit ko ang aking pagiging madaldal at ang aking hilig sa pagsulat..pero tulad ng ibang pangarap, lumipad rin.

parang wala na ata akong patutunguhan iniisip ko non...

dating ang panahon ng pagpili ng kurso, diyos ko, ang dami...minsan naalala ko ang mga kaibigan kong alam na alam na kung ano ang gusto nilang gawin sa mga buhay nila. yung iba, no doubt accounting na, may iba naman no doubt management...

and at the back of my mind, ang iniisip ko lang, 'lang ya, ano kaya?' siguro ang isa sa pinakagusto ko noong high school ako ay iyong pangarap kong maging BIR o kaya customs commissioner...diba ang saya non?

tumigil ata ang magic wheel of fortune sa kursong psychology kaya eto ako ngayon. pero sa totoo long, naging pangarap kong makatapos ng kursong ito kasi napakalawak niya, sabi ko nga lagi it can contain me... sa mag-aapat na taon ko dito, ang dami ko nang naging pangarap...

gusto kong mag SPED para makatulong sa mga special kids pero may takot ako, kaya parang inaatrasan ko nanaman. gusto kong maging clinical psychologist specialize sana sa mga bata kasi gusto kong makatulong, pero parang nawawala din...gusto kong maging HR personnel para kahit papaano sabak ulit sa corporate, kaso nung summer gusto ko na rin yung trabaho ko sa BCD na DM, sort of advertising marketing...pero ngayon, bigla naman naging pangarap ulit maging neuropsychologist kasi malapit sa akin yung topic ng neuro...ewan. ang dami lang talaga...

oo nga, balak ko pang mag NMAT sa december, malay mo, biglang mag med school, maging doktor...

ang daming pangarap na dumating at umalis na...pero eto paren, patuloy na nagbabago ang gusto, san kaya ako matatapat? san kaya muna magpapahinga ang mundo ng pangarap?

:)

Like fire

Burning into

The anguished soul

Forcing silent screams

Painful, Piercing

Like an arrow

It cuts

Leaving a deep

Hollow scar.

anguish.

...faith indeed...

i received a text message a few days ago about a child who simply recited the alphabet to God because she said God knew what she needed and it's God who's going to put them altogether... feels the same way now, actually...

So Lord,

[A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z] these Lord, raised to the nth power so You can use them as many times as You want in my life.

I don't know what to ask for anymore, what to plead for, what to do...So, God, it's a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z...raised to the nth power. Thank you.

school bukol + uhhh

School has started again. You see kids dragging their moms to buy the Barbie stroller bags at National Bookstore, or if not, the Ragnarok one's for the boys. They choose the notebooks with Sandara Park on the cover, or if not, Hero Angeles. Sometimes, I wonder, with all the jazz that comes with the opening of the schoolyear (oh yeah, I forgot to mention, parents slaving over their jobs just for the extra money, getting a loan from the SSS, or 5-6 people...) how come, the Philippines still has a low literacy rate?

Children, when they graduate from High school (if they ever do) or elementary, a lot of them still know not how to read or write. I wonder what's the point of sending them to school even...We babble about how education seems so important to all of us, how it is the only treasure that parents can leave to their children, but what's all they hype with the opening of classes and the expenses when no one really learns from the teachers who still sell tocino, longganisa and biko to their students (for extra income)?

I'm not from a public school, I never was. But I had a few encounters with them when I was younger. Back in grade school, we had math seminars in Quirino High School. It's in Quezon City, the teachers who taught us were, public school teachers. They taught us, we learned, so I don't think that the teachers have a problem when it comes to teaching, so do all fingers point towards the students now? Not so. The teachers, though without fault in teaching, have a problem with discipline. And well, how could undisciplined teachers ever produce disciplined students?

For example, I remember sitting in one of those classmates with one of my Jubilee classmates. We were teased for being Chinoy, always looked upon like aliens and such, there's this vague memory of a teacher telling my friend in class, "one day, my student, if you become the president, I will jump in front of everyone and say, 'estudyante ko yan, estudyante ko yan, intsik yan, intsik yan, .... beho pa'" and everyone then laughed at us... Mind you, at that moment, it was really awkward to have someone you should be respecting make fun of you...

Sabi nga nila diba? Ang bata ginagaya ang mga nakatatanda...

But it isn't all the teacher's fault, we can always add in irresponsible parents who never find the time to teach their kids (either walang oras or hindi rin sila nakapag-aral :( ), parents who spoil their children and don't send them to school when they cry, parents who simply keep on producing children without planning what they can do to better the lives of their already existing basketball team... things like that...

But individuals never liked to be blamed. I can testify to that. SO we blame the government and the government go blames God and the church and whoever comes their way. ORYT already. I'm ranting. So stop first, I haven't had sleep and I want some coffee.

Care to sit with me?

hayunnn...

Tapos na ang pagluto ng chicken lollipops. masaya naman. halos tatlong oras na pagtanggal ng buto ng pakpak ng manok at pagprito nito. Halos magkaroon pa ng peklat habang buhay dahil di sinasadyang natapunan ng mantika ng katabi kong nagpriprito rin. Ganyan talaga ang buahy...

Parang naiisip ko, kailangan kong mag-isip ng kung anong "profound" na bagay para maisulat dito at maibahagi sa inyo, (kung may nagbabasa man) pero ngayon, wala, blanko, gusto ko lang maglabas ng kung ano man tong nararamdaman ko.

Madalas akong magalit sa mga panahong ito, di na rin namang masasabing dahil sa init ng araw kasi nga bumabagyo na dito sa pinas (palibhasa uuwi na kasi si jim) basta lang, mainit ang ulo sa lahat ng nasasalubong o siguro more specifically sa mga taong sinusubukan pangaralan ako, at pwede na rin sa mga taong nakita ka palang ay nakasimangot na sayo (kahit wala kang ginagawa, HONEST) Feeling ko nga sa dalas ng pag-init ng ulo ko, nagiging halimaw na ko.

Sa katotohanan, gusto ko lang namang magpakatahimik, kahit sandali lang. Parang, ang sarap sabihin, "teka, gagalaw lang muna ako sa mundo ko..." Nakakabobo din kasi minsan makipagsabayan sa mga tao. Kaso sabi ng iba, hindi ko naman daw talagang kayang tumahimik (hay, point taken) ...

Sa ngayon, parang punung-puno lang yung utak ko. Pero kung tanungin mo ko kung anong laman, di ko rin masasagot. Kasi basta alam mo lang marami, pero di mo masagot kasi kung sabihin mo pa, di rin naman magegets ng ibang tao kung bakit mo iniisip yung mga bagay-bagay na yon. Ngayon, alam ko na yung feeling ng taong tinatanong ko, "what's bothering you?" Humihingi po ako ng paumanhin...dahil ngayon alam ko na kahit tanungin ko sa sarili ko, "what's bothering you?" ako mismo, ayaw kong sagutin yung sarili ko... It's like "alam mo naman, so there's no point in telling you..." anlabo talaga.

Nung isang araw, wala lang gusto ko lang ikwento, nagpalit ako ng casing ng telepono... from the original (full of scratches) white to a transluscent pink na narealize ko nung madilim na sa kwarto eh, glow in the dark pala sha. alang ya. ngayon, my glow in the dark phone keeps me company whenever i cant sleep. In other words, kasama ko ang aking telepono sa pagmumuni-muni. wehehehehe

Kagabi, naisip ko, sana, imbes na nag-aaway lang kami lagi ng isang tao, nakabuo na siguro kami ng jigsaw puzzle. Gusto ko kasi maexperience yung makabuo ng jigsaw puzzle...

ala lang...mashado lang sigurong maraming gusto.

abakadaegahailalang!

nakakatawa si rizza. pano daw kung hindi namin magawa yung challenge namin para bukas, "baka ano nanaman daw ang ipagawa sa amin," pano, naman kasi, kahapon, nabigyan ng make-over ng di sa oras! Ang ganda ganda niyan kahapon! Ay!

ay di niyo pa pala kilala si rizza, kasama ko sha dito sa ojt ko sa bcd. last day namin ngayon at bilang "graduation" ay binigyan kami ng dalawang assignment. hinati kami sa dalawang grupo. (shet obvious na bored ako ngayon noh?) so ganito:

YOUR ASSIGNMENT: (eto ung sa grupo ko)
This task entails an application of your creativity, your resourcefulnes, your ability to learn a new skill quickly, and your willingness to work with others in a team so as to accomplish a set goal in a limited time, with a limited budet. It also has the added benefit of letting us enjoy the benefits of your hard work. (Yan ang kala nila! Bwahahahhahah)

Working with 2 other members of your team, you are assigned to prepare and cook spaghetti and chicken lollipops, from scratch. As part of this assignment, you must: (take note mga kapatid must, not most, not mast basta must, musta ka na? may mustasa ka ba? ok, i think i ate too much a while ago)

1. Find a suitable recipe to cook spaghetti, and chicken lollipops.
2. Purchase the ingredients with the money enclosed with this envelope. (take note, nung unang binigay yung envelope, walang pera sa loob, buti may hinabol kundi...) You must prepare enough for 20 persons. (sino bang nagsabing maging matakaw kaming lahat?? tsaka baket bawal bumili ng luto na? baket baket baket?!?)
3. Bring the ingredients, and whatever utensils you think you may need, to 38 14th Stret, New Manila by 1:00 pm
4. You must commute, and note use a car (ok, this is a very confusing statement...tsaka, pweeng van?) when you purchase your ingredients and when you go to New Manila.
5. You must have the spaghetti and chicken lollipops ready by 3:00 pm
6. You may be videotaped while accomplishing this assignment. (so may spy sa labas ng bahay ko pagkagising na pagkagising ko palang?!?? Oh NO!!!)

Ayun so si rizza delle iniisip na kung anong mangyayari kung di nila nagawa yung assignment nila. mas matindi pa yun! Isipin mo magluluto ng chocolate cate este bake pala from scratch (paper? o magiging lasang scratch paper? hehe joke lang) eh ang hirap hirap tanchahin ang mood ng cake. pag badtrip sayo ung cake bigla bigla nalang babagsak yan kahit la kang ginawamgn mali. ang laboohhh wala lang. heheh naalala ko dati nagawa namin un chocolate cake ng group namin sa THE sa klase ni ms casuga. buti nalnag hindi pumalpak yun. sana bukas maayos lahat! gragraduweyt na rin sa ojt. swesweldo pa kaya kame? hehehe

Been browsing around jim's blog and it has been fun to see him write write write scribble whatever like he's writing as if there's no tomorrow. hahhaha so now, i shall try to revamp my blog again and later, i will write like theres no tomorrow. heheheh ang tamad ko. wala lang. hehehe at work and bored. a lot of things to do, a lot of issues to face oh i wish i can just lock up and wallow. :D

ni hao.

ni hao, ni jie dao we de xin le ma? bu zhi dao ni zuo tian zai xiang shen me. wo hao xiang ni, ke shi zhi shi xiang ni er yi. ni yan jing hao ma? zuo tian kan dao ni hai guai guai de. wo xi wang ni yan jing mei you wun ti. xi wang ni hui zhao dao ni de xing fu. xie xie ni de guan xin. wan an cai han yuan.

greek god?

Morpheus

?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

Angel or Demon?

Magic

?? Which Angel Or Demon Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

ina.

There are some times when I just want to shout, "I can't take it anymore..." or "Leave me alone..." Tell you what, I'm 19 but I feel like I'm 40 -- if I know how feeling 40 is like, this must be it.

They tell you that when people get older, they get more pessimistic. Me? I was born a pessimist turned optimist and now, trying to pretend that I'm an optimist. I've said once that my family is the biggest discouragement in my life. Ooohh, sounds awful mean. Ayaw ko rin namang sabihin yun. Pero throughout the years, I've been discouraged and shouted at enough to want to just dig a hole and stay there. They say all parents are the same pero ako ata naging particularly attached na ako that I feel that I am to blame for everything. Ewan ko ba. Malungkot lang talaga. In my family now, it's like I owe everything to my mother and because you're her child, you're not even worthy of doing something good for her. Sha lang ang tama, sha lang ang dapat masunod. Oh, I hated my tita when she texted me on my birthday and said, "Happy birthday, Charissa. Listen to your mother becuase mama knows best..." I didn't know if I should just laugh because it's so cliche or I should cry because of that revolting feeling that was forming inside of me.

I don't hate my family, but I wish they could've been more supportive. Sure, they are in their own way...but my mother, is an entirely different story. I feel indebted to her, not just for the basic fact na niluwal niya ako dito sa mundo, but well I feel indebted to her because she makes me feel indebted to her. "Wala kang makain kung wala ako, bingi at pipi ka na sana..." Oo, wala akong reklamo, ang nanay ko ay isang magaling na tao. Yun nga lang ang problema, dahil magaling sha, minsan feeling niya, tama na siya palagi. She's nearing her 6th decade, it's really gonna take God's miracles to make her open her eyes. As for me, I'm just tired of hearing about money all day, listening to sermons about cabinets, clothes, men, women and food.

Sure, mama knows best indeed. But please, let us have our lives naman. Not because we got it from you, it means that we have to repay you forever and we're merely your responsibility. I just don't get it.

Tinanong kahapon sa class, why I'm in psych. Una kasi noon ayaw ko lang talaga pumasok sa bus company namen. Pangalawa, kase ayaw ko lang talaga mag management. Pangatlo, kasi nakakasira na ng bait yung buong pamilya ko kailangan na talagang mabigyan ng pangalan yung mga kasiraan ng ulo nila.

Sadly, I think before I'll be able to do all the psychologizing I need, ako na mismo masisiraan na. There's only so much that a 19 year old girl can do and take. Sure, I'm in the prime of my youth happy to take any challenge head on. Pero kung halos buong buhay mo, napiga ka na, baka wala nang matira pag tanda ko.

One of my greatest fears is to be like my mother, for one, I don't want my kids to write like this. It's too painful. Sabe ng nanay ko, malalaman ko lang lahat kung nanay na ko, pero sana pag dating nung panahon na yon, hindi ko rin malilimutan kung pano ang nararamdaman ng isang anak.

Pagod na ko. Di lang sa pamilya pero sa kahit ano. After all, what seems to be my greatest strength is also my greatest weakness. Nakakaubos ng lakas.

Masarap nalang sumigaw, tama na, iwan niyo na ako.

Sa nanay ko, advanced happy mothers day po. May God's miracles work...

Get me out of here.

itchy and scratchy

I have no idea WHY but I've been itching to go out of the country this summer. My last trip was last December and well, it wasn't that long ago, but there's just a feeling of wanting to hop on a plane and get out of here. My destination in mind right now? Singapore.

Airfare is quite low (with lodging even) though not P600 peso airfare I've heard about. But still, it seems worth it to just get out and see the world. It's like being an Aiesecer without the hassle of being a trainee. Hahaha and with more cultural immersion. Oh gosh, I wish I get to go... wheeee

wanna wanna wanna get outta here now. hehe

Pencil Marks and Erasures

Thought as for the moment:

A clean screen is about to get messy with the erasures I've been trying to do with the pencil marks of my mind.

Scattered Psychoholic Thoughts:

Have you ever tried to draw on a piece of rough paper using a #1 Mongol Pencil and trying to erase them afterwards? When I was younger, my mom had a box of those pencils locked up in the "Special" drawer. My siblings used to say I was a spoiled brat because I got to have more pencils than when they were younger. I abused those pencils, losing them even when they were still long, breaking them after a while. I was a pretty destructive child. I liked writing with a certain force that gave me that callus in the middle finger of my right hand. I liked erasing to a certain cleanliness that I usually end up putting a hole in the pad paper, then I had to rewrite the whole thing again...

I realized around a decade after, that I write my life stories the same way I write with #1 Mongol pencils, and sadly, I erase the same way too. I hit the paper hard, (whether mine or not) and try to erase until the whole burns through. (note: it's "try to erase...")

I went to church this morning and the pastor was talking about taking a step to become like a shining star. He was saying something that this is NOT about just saying "this is what I want to do" but rather, it's abuot taking a step to evenutally get there. I lied just a few minutes ago, telling my sister that my recent longing for a change, or for a transformation wasn't about him, because that him was an issue I got over with a long time ago. Yeah, SUPPOSEDLY. In the beggining, I gave myself 2 years to get over my emotional baggages, quiet my life, find my concentration and happiness. Until eventually, I realized that at almost the end of a year's span, that I am too stubborn to let go. His mere presence, makes me stop and turn around once more. It is only recently, at the 12th month that I realized, I have to take a step, and I decided to do it.

No, I won't just get up and go and forget this person. That's too drastic a measure, after all, I never believed that we should forget people who've touched our lives. But what I shall do perhaps, is simply store him in my threshold of memories and remember that I have such a memory to go back to. A certain period of events in my life, which I have learned from. Those events were lessons learned the hard way.

I'm still learning, in fact.

Right now, my step is towards the future. To see what opportunities await me, to know what dreams I should chase after, to see which plans to really fulfill. It's crazy that after such a long time, I centered a lot of my thoughts to one person. I still don't consider it wrong -- I mean, what's wrong with learning and trying to give all your best for a certain other? Nothing. It's just that personally, I think I forgot about my real center. I've been going to church regularly, but it seems that I've been neglecting my personal relationship with God. I've been praying only when I am hurt (hell lot of times, but still), I've been reading the Bible only when I felt like it, I've been going out of focus, and life's really been so erratic. Maybe it's about time, I take some time to straighten things out with God a bit. Don't worry, I am not blaming anyone. Because in reality, I know, that in this aspect, I was the one at fault.

I took a lot of turns in the path given to me by the Lord. I'm not blaming you (if you're reading this) because somehow, inside me, I know it was I who took the wrong turns, who drove on the wrong lanes, who made a lot of people stumble and fall. So, today, I decide, that maybe, it's about time to take a different path, hopefully this time, it's the right one.

I've been talking about letting go, talking about leaving and not turning back, talking about shelving memories and talking about looking forward -- yeah, I've been doing this for a million times already... It's pathetic to hear it again. But I shall do all that I said and do more.


What about the person?

Should I just burn a whole into his pad paper and leave him to submit a badly done work? No. I doubt that I can do that. Maybe, if the person is willing, I will help him do another. After all, I can still see him in different, but better light.

I've been writing on people's papers since I was born. I've been marking each and everyone of them sometimes with good stuff, sometimes with bad stuff. Mistakes, I try to erase, but sometimes, I burn a whole with my erasures. But pencil marks and erasers are never complete with life's boundless pad papers.

Hope to have more to write on. Hope to have less to erase.

thought for the day

Thought for the Day:

Am I wolf in sheep's clothing

or

Am I sheep in wolf's clothing ?

ladida

It's not a happy thing to wait for a train for almost an hour, getting to the office half an hour later and to seemingly not get anywhere with what I am trying to do.

I'm set for Tagaytay a little bit later, just waiting for my mother to come and fetch me, great, a weekend in a place I never really deemed SUPER! relaxing but more of SUPER! stressful. Don't ask me why, I don't know either. I seem to be the only person who doesn't like that place. I mean, I enjoy and all, but the place and I? We never really hit it off.

Been meaning to write a lot over the days but then the thoughts just seem to fly by me...I remember thinking about little kids on the street, eating a lot, eating too little, how I should really get going on having a personal quiet time with God, how I want to finish reading the bible but never really did...I remember those little fragments of thought that pass me by...Why, I even remember wanting to buy something for someone, then realized, it shouldn't be so...Fragments. Left with fragments.

Who cares, fixing the fragments would eventually give me complete sentences anyway. All you gotta have is the motivation to find the proper grammar to fix it. WHAT the hell am I talking about ? hehehe

Oh, before I forget, special call out to Raffy, whose birthday is today..Happy birthday!

I'm still thinking but for now, I can't find any more fragments of thought to put down, so back to work it is, and straight to tagaytay.

Goodbye.

=)

i forgot to put on my list RED RIBBON Mango Cream Pie! Yum.

I'm beginning to think Tweety's not really at home with this blog... but ill fix it when there's more time :) Might go back to Hobbes or find another one, or maybe finally learn to make one!

Work was crazy today, you have a boss asking you to count ads on the inquirer and goes around asking people, "How many ads do you think are there in the Inquirer today?" And the magic number is 224! Whoopeeee! Tama pa ba alala ko? hehehe I've been getting fat in that environment, I swear, we eat every 3 hours! and no one really cares!

I'm sleepy, I mean, I could've written more if I'm not sleepy so bukas nalang. ehehe nyt all

things of thought

Things I've been thinking about:

1. Domino's pizza and what do they call those potato things they have?
   
2. Goldilock's brownies
   
3. Saisaki Eat all you can
4. Starbucks White Choco Mocha
   
5. Go Nuts Donuts Amazing Glaze
   
6. Buy the Bucket Supreme
   
7. Mexicali Burrito
   
8. French Baker Chicket a la King, or DEC version would do
   
9. Alfredo's
   
10. Cafe Breton Crepes.
    

I'm a pig...I know. Yum. Lechon. hehe

I walked from Salcedo to the Ayala MRT Station today. Dave, my fellow intern at BCD actually succeeded at convincing me that it was walkable... and since I wasn't really in a hurry to get home, I took his advice and walked and walked and walked all the way to the station. Thankfully, there was a sufficient amount of space on the train for me to fit in! (Thank God!) I got home around an hour ago and well, here I am, still a bum (and getting paid for it) [Great, they say hell starts next week]

My back hurts like hell and I don't know why it's painful. I mean, I slept the same way I've had for years, and today when I woke up, it was simply terrible! Argh. Technically, if someone is reading this, you'd realize that I'm talking nonsense but well, whatever. Have it your way.

My mom is outside in her office and talking to her "beloved" little sister saying, "Oh no, Lord, please fogive my mother..." in Chinese. Funny when you're an outsider looking at this whole thing as if it was a movie but when you're on the inside, the story really gets so complicated that you'd just want to hang yourself. It's a full-length chinovela on its own. I should've just been a scriptwriter.

A lot of things have happened in the past week. The Easter Cantata (rather post-Easter/ressurrection) is finally over. After 3 months of going to practice, work finally paid off and hopefully, God was happy with it. There were times when I complained of long practice hours, not hitting the right note, and the seemingly heater-installed choir gown, but then, it was worth it. Even the event of almost falling off the stage when I looked left on that day. But that's another story, and maybe I can categorize it as another kind of tripping on one's own choir gown... Let the King Appear, as we draw near... The Japanese food my sister treated me to after was YUM!

Work started and well, sadly, I meet with death once again when a the family of a friend met an accident. His sister passed away in a very untimely death and even if we didn't know each other, I knew that she was an inspiration to her siblings and to her parents as well. May she rest in peace and to my friend, we'll be here to support you all the way. As one of the Bible passages say, "be strong and take courage..."

I must be boring everyone, or maybe no one. So I'll end now... and to do so, I just want to give everyone...

a GREAT BIG *HUG*

sa pagtulog.

pag tulog
(click me)

lalalallaaaaaaaaa

went for an interview at convergy's yesterday for OJT in their HR department...the person who interviewed me used the word "funnest" it made my stomach cringe. but then, they're a good enough buffer..and guess what, i thought when they said call centers were in demand, they just meant there were a lot of people looking for jobs to answer phones...when i was done with my interview, the receiving room was freakin' filled with people...

the situation's really going bad...

i'm not really in the mood to use my brain today so i'm typing on autopilot... on thursday, what am i going to do, what else, uhhh go up the mountains and hibernate for a while. four days to be exact. and then, go to the company who said they "hired" me but then suddenly my direct boss asks for an appearance before starting date. now, that's freaky. oh no! what if i get kicked out all of a sudden?!? Waahhh who cares, there's always convergy's to go to anyway, where its FUNNEST. Heavens!

I miss God. I mean I know he's around me but I miss him. Might have to call out louder tonight...

I'm enjoying what is left of my break...i am hoping I'll enjoy work...I can't wait for the choir thing next sunday...im still thinking if i should sing permanently for the choir or just withraw from service at the church for a while...

hahaha autopilot mode really not working.

i think my fingers have their own brain. hahaha o yeah, if you guys have time check out the jim link up there, and read the legend of E part one. tribute to superhero E-uuuuuuu-gene, formerly known as tuxedo mask.

im bored.

tell me a story..

hello

hi people who will be visiting this.. welcome to my re-furbished blog..uhh its not quite finished yet but then, there! ... heheh testing lang muna. post something else later.

Masarap ang pakiramdam ng may nakayakap sayo, pero pag ang nakabalot sa buong pagkatao mo, lungkot, dilim, at anu pang ganyang bagay, wala na. Tulala nalang.

Parang ako.

Blangko.

doughnuts in neverland

I said: "I wanted to bring doughnuts to neverland, but my feet know not how, so I ate the doughnuts instead..."

And Neil goes, "so, you're like what, Peter Pan's special baker?"

nuthin much..

this blog is due for a face lift. but before anything else, i found this piece slipped in my social psych book. must have been one of those thought-inducing lectures...oh, or was that boring lecture? hahaha whatever..

i've always wondered when it stopped,
when in left
and traces of it couldn't be found..

i've always wondered if i dreamed it,
that wonderful thing
i thought was there

i've always wondered if it is existent,
maybe i overimagined,
maybe it wasn't really there

i've always wondered if
i could find it still
That thing thatleft
That dream
That non-existent entity
That was never really there...

In short...my brain.hahahhaha

its over

It's finally over. The dreaded 200 point chemistry finals is over. Turned out to be a 60 item test with true/false and multiple choice questions. So, how come the world seems so dark, still? The sun is definitely shining outside. I just wish I could shine from the inside. Haven't felt that moment in such a long long time...

With a social psych paper and a philo oral exam to finish my week, I really have no idea on what to write. I just want to type type type. THere are so many freakin things to worry about -- where to go to practicum, what to do with my paper, what to do with everything basically. I mean, a little voice in me keeps saying, "this too shall pass" but still, it's a haunting feeling. Everything that is happening right now simply makes me feel so incompetent to face the world.

It's really just different to know that you have 'it' rather than really using 'it.'

But then, still, chemistry, IS OVER.

in my destructiveness, the test says I am for peace

Hahaha


Tickle's Original Inkblot Test
Reveal Your Subconscious Mind
Charissa, your subconscious mind is driven most by Peace

You are driven by a higher purpose than most people. You have a deeply-rooted desire to facilitate peacefulness in the world. Whether through subtle interactions with love ones, or through getting involved in social causes, it is important to you to influence the world.

You are driven by a desire to encourage others to think about the positive side of things instead of focusing on the negative. The reason your unconscious is consumed by this might stem from an innate fear of war and turmoil. Thus, to avoid that uncomfortable place for you, your unconscious seeks out the peace in your environment.

Usually, the thing that underlies this unconscious drive is a deep respect for humankind. You care about the future of the world, even beyond your own involvement in it. As a result, your personal integrity acts as a surrogate for your deeper drive toward peace and guides you in daily life towards decisions that are respectful toward yourself and others.

Though your unconscious mind is driven most strongly by Peace, there is much more to who you are at your core.

the river into the sea

Bit by bit, it flows out of you, as a river flows out into the wide wide sea.

the water snakes around the river, sometimes bumping into a rock or two, winding, winding, another time finding itself having to climb up mountains and fall back down again, flowing, until it reaches the mouth of the salty sea. freedom. towards eternity.

Stolen from Princess Fiona

Have you ever??? copy and re-postput an 'X' next to what u have accomplished

( ) snuck out of the house
( ) gotten lost in your city
(x) seen a shooting star
(x) been to any other countries besides the united states
( ) had a serious surgery
(x) gone out in public in your pajamas
( ) kissed a stranger
(x) hugged a stranger
( ) been in a fist fight (with my brothers, who hasn't?)
( ) been arrested
(x) done drugs (prescribed though)
(x) Had alcohol
(x) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose
(x) pushed all the buttons on an elevator
( ) swore at your parents
(x) been in love
(x) been close to love
( ) been to a casino
( ) been skydiving
( ) broken a bone
( ) been high
( ) skinny-dipped
(x) skipped school
( ) flashed someone
( ) saw a therapist
(x) played spin the bottle
(x) gotten stitches
(x) drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour-- or water
(x) bitten someone
( ) been to Niagara Falls
(x) gotten the chicken pox
(x) kissed a member of the opposite sex
( ) kissed a member of the same sex
( ) crashed into a friend's car
( ) been to Japan
(x) ridden in a taxi
(x) been dumped
( ) shoplifted
( ) been fired
(x) had a crush on someone of the same sex..oh gosh :D
(x) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
( ) stolen something from your job
( ) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
(x) had a crush on a teacher
( ) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
( ) been to Europe
( ) slept with a co-worker
( ) been married
( ) gotten divorced
( ) had children
(x) seen someone die
( ) had a close friend die
( ) been to Africa
( ) Driven over 400 miles in one day
( ) Been to Canada...
( ) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
( ) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
( ) Thrown up in a bar
( ) Purposely set a part of myself on fire
(x) Eaten Sushi
( ) Been snowboarding
(x) Met someone in person from the internet
( ) lost a child
(x) gone to college
( ) graduated college
( ) done hard drugs
( ) tried killing yourself
( ) fired a gun
(x) purposely hurt yourself
(x) taken painkillers
(x) love someone or miss someone right now

I really thought I was going to die last night. No, I wasn't planning on killing myself...It's just that I was so exhausted and dizzy (yea, technically, my world was spinning!) that I felt I wouldn't even see the sun the next day. But, here I am. Refreshed this morning but exhausted again tonight. I don't even know what's wrong with me, I spent almost seven hours just to encode all the scores of our psych testing project's responses! Think my brain's running on safe mode.

Shutting down. Nyt y'all.

friday falphabet

apathy.
bitch.
crippled.
dark.
egoist.
fat.
grumpy.
haughty.
impossible.
jabez.
kind.
lemon.
mind.
naughty.
otter.
prancing.
queer.
rubbish.
stale.
temper.
umpire.
volatile.
wilted.
x-factor.
yawn.
zap.

A Letter of God to You

A Letter of God to You

I love you. (John 15:9) I have called you by name. (Isaiah 43:1) You are mine. Before I formed you, I knew you. And before you were born, I consecrated you. (Jeremiah 1:5) You did not choose me, I chose you. (John 15:16)
Because you are precious to me and honored, I love you. (Isaiah 43:4) I have loved you with an everlasting love, so I continue to show my constant love (Jeremiah 31:3). How can I abandon you? My love for you is too strong. (Hosea 11:8)
Can a woman forget her own baby and not love the child she bore? Yet even if she forget, I will never forget you -- I can never forget you. See, I have written your name in the palms of my hands. (Isaiah 49: 15-16) For I, the Lord your God, am holding you by the right hand. (Isaiah 41:13)
Do not be afraid, I have redeemed you. (Isaiah 43:1) I am with you. (Isaiah 43:5) And be sure of this, I am with you always 'til the end of the world. (Isaiah 41:14) When you pass through troubled waters, I will be with you. Your trouble will not overwhekm you. The hard trials that come will not hurt you. (Isaiah 43:2)
Do not worry. (Luke 12:9) Even the hairs of your head have been numbered, so there is no need to be afraid of anything. (Matthew 10:30) The mountains may depart, and the hills will be shaken, but my steadfast love for you will never end.
Come, I will lead you into solitude, and there, I will speak tenderly to your heart. I will be true and faithful. will show you constant love, and make you mine forever. I will deepen my promise, and you will really know me then as never before. (Hosea 1:14, 19-20) I am who I am. (Exodus 3:14) I am the Lord, your God. (Hosea 13:4)


The Faithful God (Hosea 11:12)

Keep me sedated.

It's often a wonder how simple messages that MIGHT come your way can change your life. I set the rules, all I have to do now is wait.

I really must be going crazy. My closest friends would testify to that. It's really no big deal whatsoever, it's just that I think I spent so much time cooped up in this little corner of mine that crazy ideas get into my head. I swear, something's wrong with me. Terribly.

Here's the thing, I've been cooped up in my corner, I want to get out of it, yet,it's where I want to go back also. Crap. I need a change of scenery. I need a life. I've been trying to live one, believe me... But all is in vain. I think. Maybe.

I have totally no idea about coherence in what I am trying to accomplish (ha, just days before this, I had all my dreams before me... ready to be fulfilled) I have Chemistry subjects which I don't want to fail: 1) because I like the teacher 2) because it's actually pretty easy if you practised enough (which of course I don't do. Why? I've no idea) 3) I want a nice QPI. I have a testing subject and I'm beginning to be OC but then, my physical system is not really up to working. (sheesh, talk about coordination!) I have a social psych class which I'm not really excited to attend everytime but then, I have to because it's one of the classes that I'm actually "passing" I have a philo class which is interesting when we talk of "totalizing" the other but then, it gets boring when you have to rewrite notes...

Gosh, what direction am I headed to anyway?

I'm really hyper about something right now, but then, as I've said, the rules are set, and the answer will just come and shall be accepted as it is. (Oh Lord, hear my plea, shucks, but Thy will be done)

What is wrong with me !??!?!??!!!

Argh.

boredom, cramming, ty chika! haha

1. Copy this whole list into your journal.
2. Put in Italics the things that are true about you.
3. Whatever you don't put in italics is false.


01. I miss somebody right now
02. I don't watch much TV these days
03. I love olives
04. I love sleeping
05. I own lots of books.
06. I wear glasses or contact lenses
07. I love to play video games
08. I've tried marijuana
09. I've watched porn movies
10. I have been in a threesome
11. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship
12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy
13. I have acne free skin
14. I like and respect Al Sharpton
15. I curse frequently
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year
17. I have a hobby
18. I've been told I: (women) have an applebottom, (men) am packing. ???
19. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me
20. I'm really, really smart --> whahhha
21. I've never broken someone's bones (as far as i can remember....)
22. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal
23. I hate the rain
24. I'm paranoid at times
25. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe and free of cost
26. I need money right now!
27. I love Sushi
28. I talk really, really fast
29. I have fresh breath in the morning
30. I have semi-long hair
31. I have lost money in Las Vegas
32. I have at least one brother and/or one sister
33. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
34. I shave my legs (females) or face (males) on a regular basis
35. I have a twin
36. I have worn fake hair/nails/eyelashes in the past
37. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
38. I like the way that I look a lot of the time
39. I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months
40. I know how to do cornrows
41. I am usually pessimistic
42. I have a lot of mood swings
43. I think prostitution should be legalized
44. I think Britney Spears is hot
45. I have cheated on a significant other in the past
46. I have a hidden talent
47. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have
48. I think that I'm popular
49. I am currently single
50. I have kissed someone of the same sex
51. I enjoy talking on the phone
52. I practically live in PJ pants
53. I love to shop
54. I would rather shop than eat
55. I would classify myself as ghetto
56. I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders
57. I'm obsessed with DeviantArt
58. I don't hate anyone
59. I'm a pretty good dancer
60. I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington
61. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother
62. I have a cell phone
63. I believe in God
64. I watch MTV on a daily basis
65. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months
66. I love drama
67. I have never been in a real relationship before
68. I've rejected someone before
69. I have never been to a big concert
70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life
71. I want to have children in the future
72. I have changed a diaper/nappy before
73. I've called the cops on a friend before
74. I bite my nails
75. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club
76. I'm not allergic to anything
77. I have a lot to learn
78. I have dated someone at least 7 years older or younger
79. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie
80. I am very shy around the opposite sex sometimes
81. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message
82. I have at least 5 away messages saved
83. I have tried alcohol or drugs before (alcohol, no drugs)
84. I have made a move on a friend's significant other in the past
85. I own the "South Park" movie
86. I have avoided assignments at work to be on Blogger..NOW
87. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or friend
88. I enjoy some country music
89. I would die for my best friend
90. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza
91. I watch soap operas whenever I can
92. I'm obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist
93. I have used my sexuality to advance my career
94. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all
95. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story"
96. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy
97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it
98. I have dated a close friend's ex
99. I'm happy as of this moment -- if not for the psy report!
100. I need a cookie

=D

Some things I want to talk about if I have time:

1. The philosophy of pet names
2. Songs and stories of childhood
3. My fairy tale dreams
4. An optimistic point of view in life
5. My real life dreams, plans and fears.

So, how is everyone?
Ala lang...
That is, if I have the time..

Wake up, lil girl
A dream's not going to last that long..

f u wr, thn prhps

If you were in my shoes last night
Perhaps you know by now
If you were in my thoughts last night
Perhaps you've already read through them
If you were in my words last night
Perhaps 'twas your name I mentioned
If you were in my dreams last night
Perhaps you would have played a part
If you were in my eyes last night
Perhaps you would have seen
If you were in my tears last night
Perhaps 'twas for you that it fell
If you were in my heart last night
Perhaps you would have felt
If you were, Then perhaps, you know.

7/22/04

Jollibee Chocolate Sundae drowns all your stress away, especially when served at weird places where you're not supposed to find them =D

It's like giving candy to a baby..
Now, don't you take it away! :)

today's one of those days na nagsisi akong sinadya kong hindi magtaray. lang ya.

snow angels in korea

I gotta learn to listen.
I hear things, but now, I gotta listen.

Life isn't about being offended;
It's about overcoming it.

Argh. My whole system's in hibernate mode again. Hate this. People, you gotta wake me up, please.

bkt ikw?

Nakakabobo...Dahil sa tuwing malungkot, ikaw ang gusto kong lapitan..
nakakatanga, dahil sa tuwing masaya, ikaw ang gustong unang masabihan...
nakakabaliw, dahil sa tuwing nagagalit, ikaw ang sisisihin...
nakakasira ng ulo, dahil sa tuwing may naiisip ikaw ang unang tatakbuhan...
nakakapagtaka lang...
dahil, bakit ikaw?

In the midst of night
I find a certain craving
for that little voice...

Pete's dead and it was all my fault. :(
I miss my fishie...

what book am i...

Umberto Eco: The Name of the Rose. You are a
mystery novel dealing with theology, especially
with catholic vs liberal issues. You search
wisdom and knowledge endlessly, feeling that
learning is essential in life.


Which literature classic are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I'm feeling quite sad at the passing of my late fish, Pete. But then, life goes on...and have I told you already? The guy who played Aladdin in yesterday's last showing of Disney Princess on Ice was cute. Wala lang.

Freak. School's gonna start tomorrow. The LAUNCH is on. I'm not running for any AIESEC position (yipee), my successor just backed out, I just want to wallow...and waste my life away.