looking ahead

I like planning our future.  How premature it may seem.  I look into the next few years and I cannot help but anticipate that it will be our time, our space and our opportunity to make things flourish even more.

Just on a selfish note, I look towards betterment of self as well - been looking at baking classes and cooking classes and just really want to exert myself a lot more on personal space rather than work.  I look at things in Manila and realize how things have changed, how trends have tried to keep up more with the first world and I've been thinking if I was stuck or just not wanting to change.

I dunno. Let's see.

nuninu

A lot of people don't understand the concept of being away from home. To many, working abroad seems to be the answer to a lot of problems - better income, independence, great shopping, no nagging elders.  It's a teenager's dream come true.

Today, coming home from working half day, I find myself revisiting the last 5.5 years. I tell everyone I've been away for almost 6 - it sounds more grown up that 5 and a half. After all, who counts right?  But each month or each day makes a difference.

Waking up in the morning without a shining sun, feeling sluggish and heavy, going to work which is enjoyable but has become a part of routine.  It feels miles away from that week-long vacation I just took.  Waking up from the bed you grew up in, the sun shining, the family buzzing about - the familiarity is endless and I find myself wanting back "in".

Now, everyone must think I'm crazy.  Why do you want in on a life you left years ago?  Aren't you just happy to be a bystander, a part of the audience?

I could be. But I don't think that is what I want to be, nor it is what I am called to be.

I do not know how long I could keep up with the pace of Hong Kong - I have come to blame it for the toll my body has taken - weight gain, bad sleeping habits, additional impatience, attitude issues, a slight inclination for material gain...I look back and I just think, how long could I keep up?

Can I change the minute I go home? What will it be like?  How would everyone react?  I have about 2 years to think and live things through.  Hopefully by then I have my answer.

What is it?

If there was one thing I'd say about us, is that we still have a long way to go. No amount of being certain, no amount of reassurances that we love, can take away that sliver of the  "Are we sure?" question that wanders in my mind and heart from time to time.

Something's not right. But what am I looking for? You seem fine, I seem to be the one who needs taming. (Again!)

Is this a byproduct of being apart? Or clearly skipping steps? Justifying the end withoit the means? Of being rusty and having forgotten what it's like?

What IS it?

We have a long way to go. A long way to go. I hope we both stick around to find out. And hopefully by then, we come to the same answer, even if it's just for me.