Took out the little star stickers I put on my phone today.  Somehow just didnt feel like i shine so brightly day by day.  Only real thing to ask for really is God's grace and understanding and guidance to get through each day.

Year 7

This may be pre-empting a little bit but I am actually quite excited.  Finally, a "real end" in sight.  In 8 days, I make my 7th year anniversary in Hong Kong.  When I first moved, 7 years was a number in my head.  It was the "longest" that my mind committed to stay. After all, when I first calculated it, I was going to be 30 by the time I hit that mark and well, I was hoping life would have changed.

The Short 7 Years

Year 1 - Did everything touristy, hung out with AIESEC, lived and breathed my traineeship like any intern would.

Year 2 - Extension and new job

Year 3 - 5 - Worklife was a blur.  In between gaining 20 pounds, crazy hours, being trained and retrained without even knowing it.  Drinking the Kool-Aid.  I forgot myself.

Year 6 - I got tired. I realized I've been neglecting myself. Found love. Found barre.  Found out that there's more to life.  Got really edgy. When ? When? When?  Got really antsy.

Year 7 - I turned 30.  I have decisions to make and a heart to follow.  Thankful for the experience, but could be ready to move on.  No bitterness.  A lot of convenience. A lot of fear. I have changed.  Home has changed.  Where is home?

Didn't really take a lot of photos of this last trip home.  Just thought drinking in nature and lying down to read a book was enough.  It gets tougher every time, yet I know the adjustment if I do return for good will just be as tough.

Maybe writing about it will be cathartic.  Who knows? I've been in the state of "meh" for almost a month now.  Not sure what it is, or maybe subconsciously I know and just dont want to admit it. Everyday i wake up and just so so so so tired - >(

Heart's really heavy and I dont know if its in the right place or not. Need to get my act together before other things get affected

Just whatever

I'm back again.  Funnily enough, I don't think my state of mind and heart had changed much since October. Another year has come and gone.  My sister has been asking me when I will post my January entry.  I told her maybe not this year - because too many people died in 2014 to be remembered.

The world has certainly changed.  It is meaner, badder, darker - everyday in the news there is robbery, killing, opportunists, terrorists.  Why just yesterday, a hunt for a 12 year old girl has been started because she stole a US$4M diamond necklace.  She walked into the store, took the key and slipped one of the more expensive things.  She's 12.  Where did she learn that?  What has the world come to.

My friends and I have changed - we start talking about wanting (or not wanting kids).  How expensive "they" will be and how much "our" lives can potentially change more.  My, my, the world sure has changed.

Where was the world that I left behind 7 years ago?  It was noisy then - sure.  We all had our issues, sure.  But I do think that people were happier, slightly happier at least.

My mom closed down our business of about 35? years - I think it's bittersweet.  I start to worry about what she will do soon - and how her life will change.  I'm wondering how she is coping, how we will be coping...how things will end up.

Today I went to service, and broke down in tears in the 2nd verse of the response song.  There are times when a song makes you teary eyed...but break down is unusual.  It made me feel that I should be trusting My God more - and I'm not.  For that, I am sorry.  It is a learning process and amidst this gray sky, I am and will continue to try.

"Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now"

My God has never failed me - there is no reason that He will.  My faith wavers but his remains still and strong ready for me to grab on.  What am I afraid of.  Fear has taken me on all these years. God help me. 

Some things I have been thinking about lately -

- Disney Cruise - a must in someone's lifetime

- Plan Japan trip - it's coming

- Be patient - October will arrive

- My permanent residency

- My contingency plans 

- Fairy tales and prince charming

- My future

- Health - or the lack of it

- Diet and exercise programs

- Cooking classes

WHAT's next?

Hingang malalim - onward to the future.

looking ahead

I like planning our future.  How premature it may seem.  I look into the next few years and I cannot help but anticipate that it will be our time, our space and our opportunity to make things flourish even more.

Just on a selfish note, I look towards betterment of self as well - been looking at baking classes and cooking classes and just really want to exert myself a lot more on personal space rather than work.  I look at things in Manila and realize how things have changed, how trends have tried to keep up more with the first world and I've been thinking if I was stuck or just not wanting to change.

I dunno. Let's see.

nuninu

A lot of people don't understand the concept of being away from home. To many, working abroad seems to be the answer to a lot of problems - better income, independence, great shopping, no nagging elders.  It's a teenager's dream come true.

Today, coming home from working half day, I find myself revisiting the last 5.5 years. I tell everyone I've been away for almost 6 - it sounds more grown up that 5 and a half. After all, who counts right?  But each month or each day makes a difference.

Waking up in the morning without a shining sun, feeling sluggish and heavy, going to work which is enjoyable but has become a part of routine.  It feels miles away from that week-long vacation I just took.  Waking up from the bed you grew up in, the sun shining, the family buzzing about - the familiarity is endless and I find myself wanting back "in".

Now, everyone must think I'm crazy.  Why do you want in on a life you left years ago?  Aren't you just happy to be a bystander, a part of the audience?

I could be. But I don't think that is what I want to be, nor it is what I am called to be.

I do not know how long I could keep up with the pace of Hong Kong - I have come to blame it for the toll my body has taken - weight gain, bad sleeping habits, additional impatience, attitude issues, a slight inclination for material gain...I look back and I just think, how long could I keep up?

Can I change the minute I go home? What will it be like?  How would everyone react?  I have about 2 years to think and live things through.  Hopefully by then I have my answer.

What is it?

If there was one thing I'd say about us, is that we still have a long way to go. No amount of being certain, no amount of reassurances that we love, can take away that sliver of the  "Are we sure?" question that wanders in my mind and heart from time to time.

Something's not right. But what am I looking for? You seem fine, I seem to be the one who needs taming. (Again!)

Is this a byproduct of being apart? Or clearly skipping steps? Justifying the end withoit the means? Of being rusty and having forgotten what it's like?

What IS it?

We have a long way to go. A long way to go. I hope we both stick around to find out. And hopefully by then, we come to the same answer, even if it's just for me.

dear phils govt, pls get over yourselves and help out

Everyone, literally everyone is trying to help.  Concerts by the artists, restaurants donating their profits, NGOs doing their thing, private citizens pooling money, renting cars, buying groceries just to help.  There are thousands, if not millions of people affected by the typhoon Yolanda (Haiyan).  And we're scrambling, none of us are organized, and we are just targeting randomly hoping we could reach few, we could reach some, we could reach most.

I'm trying to think of what Japan had done when the Tsunami hit.  They fixed their roads in a matter of days, tried to get everyone settled back in probably a few months.  The people affected will and always be emotionally scarred...but what about us?  What are the Filipinos doing?

The people hit resorted to looting. The government's force is nowhere to be seen (Yes, there are stragglers) but where is the National government? For once, I hope they would've just join forces, leave differences behind and be there day and night.  Dear national government, this is what you have signed up for.  This is what you had asked the people to vote you for.  That you will be there to help and to organize and to make all these things better in the future. You should not be there for a photo op, for an international news interview that will just shame your country and your countrymen who are already going through enough.

We are the laughing stock of the world because of you.  But, people around the world are still trying to see past that and just help our dying, our sick, our grieving.  Where are you.  This is your first call. It should be.  Please, see through your own stupidity and work it out.

Filipinos bounce back and I'm proud of that.  We also are opportunistic, let's try not to be for this one.  Too much at stake and too much lost already.

Glass walls

People find each other in different ways. I'm not really sure how you found me. I did find you on a line in school one day and the journey starts from there. Long,laborious oftentimes feeling like there's a glass wall from making me go any further. From the passing of time, the glass wall seems to thin and i think ive gotten to a point where i've worn it out. I'm glad.. i can finally continue. I walk a bit further, ready to jump right in. I think you found me. But I haven't forgotten that glass wall.