uneasy

There's this hint of uneasiness in me that I can't seem to get rid of.

没什么

我真对你没有什么意义吗？
想起来，真的好伤心。
我不是说别的，我的朋友。
但是看来是也没有这个做你朋友的资格。
刚刚发信给我，问我怎么煮饭
我也教你了， 真得太傻
为了你傻傻的存在。

Ok, That's It

I was walking towards Eastwood this morning and didn't notice Chris walking in front of me until she stopped and smiled and said, ang tulala mo kasi.

Monday morning. Perfect excuse.

But it's not really that it was Monday morning. For the past weeks, I have learned to be desensitized with Mondays. Realizing that Fridays always come only a few days after and the weekend is just a few hours before Monday. It's really just nothing anymore.

So there I was, trying to find my way to CyberOne, staring into space, thinking how stupid the cleaner was for using a floor polisher to wash/brush/clean a wash out floor with soap and water. That polisher's not going to be around for long... when Chris stopped and smile at me and said I was tulala. True, I was.

More tulala matters later on when we reached the office building. Ms. A talks about the state of my current Chinese assignees in Singapore - oh my poor assignees. Opens the computer and continues a conversation with Eug from a txt message he sent last night. And finally came to a certain conclusion to say, "OK, THAT'S IT"

"OK, THAT'S IT" is not this wonderful beautiful idea, it's actually a confused decision regarding pursuing certain things in life. That little by little everyday, you realize that what you've been actually searching for is not really there. And that you've probably been looking in the wrong place for almost two years. Or maybe, little by little everyday, the truth sinks in.

Better late than never, many will say. Better late than never. Looking back, it's true that the years weren't really wasted. I was brought back up to my feet by going after this thought, this crazy idea. I was up and about and I knew it had made me better.

I'll divert first and share with you something about a show my mom and I have been staying up late for these days. She started watching this show called "Sister/Jiejie" - a korean telenovela a few days ago... I came home and got hooked despite being so tired for the past few days. It tells the story of a girl who basically grew up a princess - dad's a tycoon, bought all those designer labels, and was about to go to Italy to get further studies. She had a poor professor/lecturer boyfriend whom she really loved but let go off because her father didn't really approve of him being poor and all that stuff. She mourned her loss but tried to put on this mask and told everyone that she left because he was poor...and now that she was free, she could actually buy all the stuff she wants without the feeling of guilt. Anyways, just wanted to say, I have to agree with her. It's not really you don't care about a person sometimes, but then there are things that you can't compromise and WILL NOT compromise EVER.

Problem with her in the story is that twist of fate made her poor. Oh well.

Back to making me better...

I couldn't deny that I am at a better state than what I was around 3 years ago. I am stronger and back in fighting form. Three years ago, I was down, I felt like a rag and I didn't believe in myself. It took a lot of time to believe in my strengths and abilities again. So, despite the truth that is sinking day by day that the reason that prodded me to go on this journey is not really a solid one, I am proud to say that it made me better. It gave me that initiative to actually move on and see better things.

So maybe now, I am ready.

To move on again.

We'll see.

After all, we never know what life has in store for us.

We'll see...we'll see...

~*~

People know where to find me...
When They Need Me.

rawr

Oh god oh god oh god.
Of all the mistakes I could make
Ask any of my friends, it's either I forget greeting you on your birthday or I remember it right
Gawd. Of all the people to have the date wrong for.
Oh GOD.
donk*donk*donk*
and I don't think I'm gonna get forgiven any time soon for this.
Not forgiving myself either.
Waaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh
Help...
Sorry na :(

e-hem.

I couldn't bear it anymore. So, I asked.
Kapal muks si cha. As always.
But then, I WISH i am as kapal
When it comes to ______.
Maybe because I haven't gotten to that point.
That point where I can't take it anymore?
Or I'm just not as scared as a while ago to ask.
Because this answer,
This other answer,
Is worth so much much more.
Or so I think.

still can't kick that feeling.

gutfeels suck

Can't shake the feelings that my superior's not pretty happy with me today.
As far as I know, what I did within the day was within line.
I don't know. There's a gut feel I can't shake.
It's not a good day.

Screw this Friday.

not getting any work done, therefore...

Seem to be spending more and more this week. Started the week off with Oliver's. Told myself I wasn't feeling well and I wanted to eat a good breakfast. Yesterday, I got some blank - CDs to back up my files, ended up buying more than I should, which included my CD debt to my mom since I used up all her blank CDs. Today, I felt like getting lunch outside, so I had some Shawarma Rice to compliment my vegetables. Fatness. Stress? Or what? Dunno. Gotta stop spending or the only things that will save my food cravings as of the moment are my Jollibee Gift Certificates.

This is so not right. Wehehehe

PS: I'm not getting any work done as my computer is getting re-cloned/reformatted whatever. I'll be loaded tomorrow. Rawr

Do You Dream in Color, or Black & White?

It all started with a decent conversation with God asking for closure. It was just before I slipped off to la-la land. I had a pretty much nice and fitful rest for the first 7 hours, until my alarm rang at around 6:30 AM. Just like any other normal person, I hit the snooze button, making it ring again after 9 minutes. (Yes, I know, my phone is weird, it re-alarms after every 9 minutes, not 5 not 10, but 9...) After 2 more vain attempts to wake me up, I finally shut my alarm off...only to find myself into a deep sleep with matching full-length dream.

It was as if it was a continuation to my prayer last night. It was as if the 7 hours of sleep didn't exist. It wasn't a nightmare (nor was it day-mare), but it was nonetheless an interesting dream.

Ok, ok, I'll get to it now...

It was in full-color, with the complete set of characters.

I was somewhere with some of my family members. It was an unknown place but we were there to stroll until we came up to a person I knew all too well. I haven't seen him for more than 7 years, but I knew it was him. I was updated with his life anyway. In my dream, I still knew the facts about him - that he had a girlfriend at that same moment, that we somehow weren't even supposed to know how to talk to each other when we saw each other again. Or maybe that was my point of view.

Anyway, there we were, and my family disappeared. A little wooden box suddenly magically appeared in my hand. It was a small box that was divided into 8 spaces - somewhat like a little version of those wooden boxes cigarette vendors carry on their daily routes. In the divisions, there were some spaces with little trinkets, supposedly stuff that I gave this person before. It was funny, we were walking in a tree-lined street and we were conversing. Finally, after so long, getting the chance to talk about the past. I was asking why he didn't throw the box away (okay sidenote, I did give the person a wooden box around 9 years ago) and the answer was simple, "I would be too rude, if I did even that, right?"

I kept my quiet and wanted to throw the box myself. After all, it was over. It was clear. But the person kept me from throwing it away. As useless was the box now as it was the first time I saw it in my dream... He looked at me and gave me a hug. I hugged back. It wasn't anything done out of malice, but something done out of ... I don't know, respect? A hug that somehow told you that what's done is done, the past is the past. It didn't promise a future, but it promised a bond, a certain friendship that no one would understand. We walked hand in hand towards some place, only to find out later we were on the way to his house.

Before we got to his home, we met my family again. We were still together, holding hands, or hand-on-waist or something like that. He gave me a peck on the cheek and we were happy. Happy to be friends, happy to know that it's over. Happy to be open and just there. My family didn't mind. My in-law was confused though. She didn't understand who the person was and why my mother was not reacting violently (ok, even I was weirded out in my consciousness) but they were there and were happy and cooperative. They didn't even complain, and they were gone again.

On towards to his home, I saw his family. I was introduced to his mom, though I knew she heard of me almost a decade ago, I asked her how she was doing. She was carrying a baby. To my bewilderment, I was thinking, "A new one?" Apparently, it was a new sister, and the little child before was beside me, gave me a "beso" and asked who I was. She was taller than me already, she was porcelain white, and she was a cute kid... The other sister was missing and I was looking for her... She appeared holding a bunch of shopping bags... I laughed. It was like meeting old old friends after such a long time. Comfort. Familiarity. Understanding.

We walked out again. Awkward at the new-found comfort. I met one of my cousins... and then started walking again, hand-in-hand, until I woke up...

I dreamt in color.

And I think I got my closure. (even if this wasn't the closure I was asking for)

I think I got a better one.

Finally, I understood.