bookie wishie listie

Shelfari: Book reviews on your book blog

ho-hum

uneasy.
there are things to be done.
words to be said.
a life to be lived.

My Day Started with a Warm-Light Welcome

I came in a little bit earlier than my colleagues today. It wasn't so early, it was already around 9:10 on my watch. Odd. Only half of the lights in the office were open. I liked it.

It wasn't so bright. The half darkness brought about a certain welcome not a lot of people would appreciate. But I did. The light was warm, it was inviting. I greeted my boss a good morning and plopped down my seat...ran my passwords and waited for the email to replicate from the server. To save time, I heated my sandwich and prepared myself a cup of Swiss Miss.

Aaaah, I think I am going to like this day.

Yet, there's something nagging at the back of my mind. I can't place a finger on it though. Vague little voice.

I look to my left and I see my "Essential Mathematics for Economics and Business" textbook for APMATH class. Ugh, Homework. I haven't started yet. Crammer. Ha! And I wrote in my introduction that I'll do what it takes to do well in the course. Tsk, old habits just die hard. I'll try to study in a little while.

I check my mail. No new mail. Great. Absolutely wonderful. This will leave me a couple of hours to study later. Would it? I have to kick this habit of procrastinating. It's not helpful at all.

Sigh. There are a mixture of thought-lets on my brain right now. "Let's watch a movie." "I want to go back to my reading of Wicked" "Work" "Study" "Pay those expats!" "Say something" "Do something" "Move" "Smile" "Be happy" "Laugh"

My body's unresponsive.

Listening to Regina Spektor's Samson... "You are sweetest downfall..."

Still unresponsive.

Now, it's Gary V. playing on the Windows Media Player...how's that for advertising...

Sigh.

Let's see if I can get something done.

I'm still looking forward to liking this day.

My Pride and Joy

After 6 years of work, this is only about 1/6 of the whole picture. But still, it's relaxing to stitch each X and try to form something out of the pattern. Ala lang. hahah natuwa ako eh paki nyo ba? :D

Libreng Mangarap...

na makasakay sa World's Largest Passenger Plane

at siyempre, mangangarap na ka lang naman din...

sa first class na diba? =D your own "suite"

your Ferragamo freebies

your own bed...

and your own 23-inch TV.

Ahhh...

Photos courtesy of: http://asia.cnet.com/photogallery/0,3800005208,62033905-007p,00.htm

on coming back to work and other things...

It's the first day of work after a long long weekend. It hasn't been starting so well. But I guess that's how it is when you come from a long vacation. Things get a little bit hazy and you forget how to do some things. hehe

Mom and I went to Baguio with Ivy and Auntie Mary for a few days. For the first time in 10 years, I missed the cemetery ritual. I didn't get my yearly November tan from being out in the sun all day, playing with candles. Instead, I spent the days on my comfortable bed, sleeping.

On the hours that I am awake, I spent some time playing games on the computer (pasas life as in) and working on my 6 year old cross stitch. 6 years old and it's barely 1/6 done. But each stitch counts I guess and I am happy that I was able to add a few this time.

My cousin accidentally put some beauty marks (also known as scars, sniff) on my pretty new phone the other day... waaaahh.. But then, again, it's what going to make it different from now on I guess. :) Unexpected things. Life.

Later's my first day of school again. I don't like introduction days. They scare me. I don't like introducing myself. I like people getting to know me though. Weird.

Lot's of work. Going back to it.

Hopefully this time, I'd understand what I'm reading. Ugh.

Do You Believe It?

Sometimes I wish there was a day that I can just say...

I don't believe it...Oh, god, do you believe it?
'I don't believe it either. '

Oh God, Oh God, is it true?
Are you sure?
I don't believe it, I don't believe it...

*Smile*

Then we would just break up in laughter
The moment would have passed...
But it was there.
It happened. It's done.
It's over, whatever it was.

Do you believe it?
Oh God...
I don't believe it.

But it's there.
It's done.

And we can just *smile*
In peace.

Amazing

It's both amazing and weird that everytime I feel like giving up, I come across this verse (you can see it in the verse of the day part of this blog ;) )

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. - Psalm 27:14

Ok, Lord, I get it.

Thanks.

Another one of those days

It's really just one of those days, you know... One of those that make you feel that the whole world is crashing down on you, and the next minute, you feel thankful in a way, that you are just alive? I don't know if you've already had one of these days, maybe, maybe...

My mind can't focus. It's not so new. I'm not really well known for my focusing abilities anyway. I'm a multi-tasker and I can do more with a lot of things to do than only having one. I like having a choice of which task to accomplish first, and move on to something else, and then just finish everything on time. It gives a bigger, fuller sense of accomplishment, I guess. I'm crazy that way, maybe.

I woke up this morning with jumbled thoughts in my head. I had 3 or was that 4 main prayers that I whispered out to the Lord...All of them I thought were too futile, too shallow for me to even worry about. Surely, my God is bigger than all of those problems. But, I AM worried. And I can't kick that feeling out.

Came to work at around 9:30 in the morning (my usual, lately), a bit late, but that's fine, I didn't miss a lot of things. 13 new emails, not so bad. Everything's doable. I should be happy, but I'm not. All the way to work, a line was stuck in my head... thus the YM Status "usap nga tayo.." Pero anong pag-uusapan natin? Hindi ko nga maayos yung mga iniisip ko?

Will that time ever come? When I can just approach and say, "let's talk..." I've done this a lot of times before, why not now? Teka, teka, sino nga ba kasi kakausapin ko? Marami eh. All of my dilemmas involve talking and discussing seriously, and I just can't seem to put my foot or should that be mouth (?), through...

Hindi lang talaga. Oddest thing about this is that despite everything, despite the confusion, there's a promise that God is greater that all of this. I will be fine, and that a little added patience wouldn't hurt. that HE is taking care of things... I don't know. I am aware that I have petty stuff that worry me... but I'm still worried.

Sigh.

Just one of those days.

Blog Something

"Blog something" - Chris told me, because I was complaining that I wasn't feeling so well...

I guess.

I guess I could blog about my less than one-year old laptop doing a blue screen on me last night. Argh. Sure hope it's not dead for good. I mean, it's good in a way, since at least it's still under warranty. And I have that feeling that it's still going to be fixed and it'll be safe soon.

Sigh. It's so hard for me not to have a working computer at home and I happen to looooveee my lappie. I guess that's the effect if you buy something for yourself. Stuff, toys, gadgets...materialistic ko ata ngayon. :p

Still, nothing to blog about. Bah. later.

Sadness that my laptop's dead (for now) I hope to have it alive again very very soon.... for now, it's continue to leech from the company's net and resources. hahaha to do stuff..like this. haha

Missing Baking

It's one of those light Mondays. You know you've got work to do, but no pressure. Offices are closed in 2 of my 3 countries. I feel good. There are stuff to attend to, but I can do that in a few minutes.

I can't stop thinking of baking some chocolate chip cookies... I might do just that later tonight. Or maybe some Peanut Butter ones... hmmm. These are going to get me fat. haha But, I just can't keep the picture of the cookies off my mind. So, I just might, I just might.

I miss baking. It always gives me that satisfaction, smelling the freshly baked stuff you just made with your own hands. Hot, gooey, not so small, not so large...perf..ect.

Sigh.

My Thursday Thoughts

Yet again, it's another day. Thursday to be exact. The server's pretty slow so all my emails are not coming in. Not that I mind of course. I need a mental break. It's one of those LMA (Leave Me Alone) days again. And it seems that I just need all the quiet I can get, all the alone-ness, if there ever is such a thing.

I wrote the other day on Multiply on how I wasn't being able sleep well at all. Last night was not an exception at all. I still woke up sometime around 4 or 430, went back to sleep but everything was so restless afterwards. I woke up tired and heavy headed, like i got a hangover when you have no reason to have one.

The past few days were reserved for going through memory lane. I was looking for a particular document in my CD archive (written sometime in 3rd year high school), but instead I found a bunch of old documents, pictures and songs that brought back both happy and bitter memories of my past. Ghosts, so to speak.

I enjoyed sending back some essays that my friends wrote. (I have no idea why their documents are with me...) and it was fun to see their reactions to stuff that was considered good writing before. Nats specifically went OMG! on her Bye Erap article. haha I had a blast reading about the college entrace portfolio entry she wrote though. =) And Jim is suddenly stressed because of a song he wrote. How we grow, how things change.

I had my share of memories. I found old articles that I've written and remembered what inspired me to write them. I found out I was a cheesy person (god, no!) writing poems, essays and what-not about love and heartbreak. tsk! What's that? So, I share the same reaction with Nats, OMG. + **FAINT**

Right now, my Windows Media Player is blaring old boyband era songs.. Backstreet Boys, Boyz II Men, Five, Moffatts, Hanson... Amazingly, they sound more soothing than the music I currently have. They feel familiar and they sound like I'm home. Talk about the changes in the generation! I'm sending some songs over to Shoba now. Reminiscing, reminiscing, reminiscing...

Well, tomorrow's going to be Friday, and I am pretty excited for the weekend. Not that I have anything special to do, but I think I need to sleep in. I don't know what duty I have to play this Saturday. I was supposed to panel for the AIESEC RBI this Saturday afternoon, but I have to rethink it and see if my mom needs me anywhere. Yep, you're looking at me, dutiful daughter, contrary to what people may say... Shucks, I miss tormenting people in RBI... :p

Seem to be living in the past, huh. I don't know. No matter how auti it seems, it feels good. I mean if you bring me to another state now (meaning noisy, stressful, too much conversation), I'd explode. So give me a good book to curl up with, leave me alone for a while (unless you're going to be quiet and just give me a hug- then that's welcome), and let me be...

Sigh. Silence. Bliss.

P.S: Ateneo - La Salle game later... Go Ateneo! :D

Random thoughts on a Mawnday Yawnday

I've been meaning to post something since last week. At the end (well not really) of Erap's 6-year trial, I thought it was blog worthy. But it seems I never really had enough whatever to gather all my thoughts and finish the entry.

Not that anyone's reading, but you know, it's better to write thinking you actually have an audience. haha

Anyway, the Erap trial brings back memories of Junior year in high school where we had a debate about Erap. That was the time when the impeachment just started, and out of the friendly battles we have bad with the Seniors, some teachers decided to host a debate.

Glory be. During that time, we were being "trained" by Mr. Menguin on his version of theatrics. The seniors were being coached by Mr. Blancaver. It was an odd set-up (given that Menggoy was the senior's teacher then and Blanki was supposed to teach us somewhere along the way..) Anyway, that's hardly what I want to talk about (but I still want to type it down anyway)

Ok, so what side did we get?

We were pro-erap. Good for me, I never really hated him. haha I can't remember which side I took, all I can remember I had about 15 index cards and I wasn't able to finish my speech. The judge found me amusing and awarded me for that. (see, being pa-cute gets you the best debater award. LOL) We lost the debate, (even if we scored higher in the point system - SHEESH, I DON'T KNOW WHY!)

Some lines I remember from that event:

"Well, sir/ma'am, allow me to enlighten your naive mind..."
"Does the end justify the means?" (with the crowd saying no...sabi na nga ba di nila naintindihan, sila may kasalanan kaya kami natalo!) LOL

So anyway, after 6 years, he was convicted. There was no crowd that day to be dismayed. Just a couple of supporters here and there. People have lost faith and what was going to happen, or rather, they knew he was going to be convicted. I am not saying he shouldn't be. After all, each person would actually be guilty of so and so... I just find it more comforting to side with him than the current president. The peso amazingly strengthened against the dollar in just a matter of hours from the declaration that he was guilty. The news featured more of this than anything else.

It's amazing how a former president who is said to steal all of the people's money and have lost the trust of the people be able to do that to the economy.

Beat that, Gloria. haha. I'm sure if something happened to you, the economy wouldn't notice. You're controlling that anyway! Screw the taxes. (sayang ng pera!!! baha paren sa harap ng Yale! where do my taxes go?)

Ok, so there, after all that time, I still sympathize with Erap. hehe

Next topic...

I've been thinking of studying again lately...I've made the necessary application to Ateneo...we'll see what's going to happen about that..

One funny thing that happened when I went to submit my application was seeing two people from high school. Saw Daryl and Diana Grace... it just brought back a lot of funny memories... and if I do get back to school. Oh Lord. haha

Ano ba namang buhay to? =p

Ano pa ba?

I got 2 new phones in a matter of 2 days. haha Talk about a reaction to stress...

Let me see the Samsung Z240 - up for sale! Brand new w/ 512 MB Micro SD - complete w/ 1 year warranty, smart locked, for 12k only! :D So buy it from me. Covers are changeable! (Red, Blue and White)

And then the Samsung U700 (Ultra Edition 2 12.1) - Gawd, I've been wanting this phone for months now and I finally got it when Samsung had a week-long sale. Thanks to carol for telling me about it (Now she's all envious I got it and she didn't! ) Happy happy joy joy because of new gadgets!

Hmmm...

Lemme see now, Erap, school thoughts and my gadgets...

That's my story for this Mawnday...

Later!

My Monday, My Tuesday...Drained.

It's just Tuesday. I'm feeling a little blue. Ok, that's an understatement. I'm stressed, frustrated and stressed some more.

Typical me. You'd say. Yeah, I know, I think the normal for me is to be stressed. And yes, somehow, I won't deny that. I've been acting ever so grumpily since yesterday. I came into work (yes, late, it was Monday) and all of the sudden the normal requests felt, read and sounded like demands. It was insane. Even my closest assignee was hyper and stressed out with his request to me. I snapped at him. Thank God he knew me well enough to not snap back. haha

And then yesterday just went on. I had requests and questions that seem to be just out of my control. I am suddenly thrown into a world which I know all too well. Did I not tie up the lose ends? Do I have enough time? Did I do this? Did I do that? Do I do this? Seems like each question has a different answer and it gets too quirky to answer. And it seems like even if I know I am capable, I find myself to be not capable at all. To be helpless. To be hopeless.

I never really imagined work to hit me like this. Maybe it's that time where I have the right to be cranky at anyone. But it did show me a part of myself that scared me. Despite so much control trying to be exercised, I find myself snapping at everyone who asks me a question I deem stupid or well, at people who ask me a question, I answer properly and doubt me and say, Really?

I got really pissed off at the person who told me yesterday to not put some stuff into my email. I was like, "wait, you are in no position to tell me what I can write in my emails, and they're standard for crying out loud!" Thank God Ryan confirmed my statement early this afternoon. She just shut up. See? I answered you correctly yesterday so STOP pissing me off. You and your OC friends who seem to want to control everything.

NO, MIssy... or missies? LOL Control is mine, control is ours. LOL

I'm grumpy can't you see?

It's Tuesday now. Above is a lot of ranting only probably 3 or 4 people will be able to understand. But this is my channel. So get out if you hate me.

Tuesday started with a lot of prayer. I was caught in QC traffic while I was on the jeepney and found myself praying for patience and how to get through this day...

I found myself continuing my prayer through my YM status, asking God to help me have enough courage to get me through the day.

Funny how God even made this a channel for me to share about Jesus Christ to my client who happens to be on the contact list. I will start to pray for her tonight.. :) Hope she feels the love.

So the morning flies by, career thoughts as well. A talk with a colleague reminds me of a very important thing I have to ask about w/ my superiors... I hope I gather enough courage for that as well...

So tired today.

A noisy inner self.

A stressed outward appearance.

Surprise guests on my site...

Questions.. questions...more questions...

No answers at all.

I'm out of energy.

I'm drained.

What is A Friend?

Chris took up the presentation training
They were given this piece to dissect
And read out loud... Touching...
This is my version of dissecting the piece
But somehow it reminds me of a Menguin class. lol

What Is A Friend?
C. Raymond Beran

What is a friend?
I will tell you.
It is a person, with whom,
You dare to be yourself.

Your soul can be naked with him.
He seems to ask of you,
to put on nothing,
only what you are.

He does not want you
To be better or worse.

When you are with him
You feel as a prisoner feels
who has been declared innocent.

You do not have to be on your guard.
You can say what you think,
so long as it is genuinely you.

He understands those contradictions in your nature
That lead others to misjudge you.

With him, you breathe freely.
You can avow your little vanities and envies
Your hates and vicious sparks
Your meannesses and absurdities
And, in opening up to him,
They are lost,
Dissolved on the white ocean of his loyalty.

He understands,
You do not have to be careful.

You can abuse him,
neglect him,
and tolerate him,

Best of all, you can keep still with him.

It makes no matter.

He likes you.

He is like fire that purges to the bone.

He understands.
He understands.

You can weep with him,
Sin with him,
Laugh with him,
Pray with him.

Through it all --,
And underneath --
He sees, knows, and loves you.

A friend?
What is a friend?
Just one, I repeat,
With whom,
You dare to be yourself...

hideous!

This hideous thing is ibm's web mascot. freaky

It Wasn't Excellent, But It Was Good Nonetheless

Nothing should have gone wrong.
After all, it was a birthday.
It was my birthday.

I came home from Serendra the other night still feeling a little bit tired from the all nighter at the hospital last Friday. 11:30, I was out like a light on the bed, following my usual custom of being asleep before the midnight of the 12th.

I like waking up to the "your message memory is full" note that flashes on the phone screen. So, I see a couple of messages and some missed calls. A smile curling on my lips, "aawwww, thank you guys and gals, you remembered" Anyway, really, thanks so much for remembering. I appreciate it a lot.

So, wakey up, take a bath and go to church. Saw Tiffie and Charles (thanks for my cutie gift), and then attended service. All was normal. Until, I butt in. Or so, that was how it was placed. I prefer to call it being opinionated, and not liking the feeling of being stuck in the middle when you think the sides shouldn't even exist anyway.

So, I cried. Yes, on my birthday. And the funny thing is, I cried because I thought it was wrong. Ironically, I wasn't crying because I hurt, I was crying for someone else. Crazy, funny, yeah, but then, eventually, it stopped around early afternoon, after the third time. When did I get to be like that?

And so, "it's my party and I'll cry if I want to, You would cry too if it happened to you..."

My day starts again after all the misunderstandings have ended...

We start by visiting the hospital, taking a peek at grandma who was suddenly craving lechon. She was awake today and was talking fine. She threw out my cousin who was on duty with her last night. Threw him out at around 4 AM and he came back at around 6AM. What could he do? We watched The Buzz and enjoyed the latest chismis..

Oooohh, Yilmaz is back to fetch Ruffa. And Angel Locsin shares all about her move to the Kapamilya network. Amazing how Boy Abunda does that with Ateneo's Philo Pagmemeron under his belt. =p

Packed up to leave and tried to decide where to eat. Oh I had my choices...

President's at Ongpin
Penang Hill at Greenhills
and "somewhere" in Cubao so we can also watch Ratatouille with my sister's movie passes.

We ended up in Cubao, Cibo in Gateway (yum pasta) and did watch Ratatouille.

Remy was indeed cute. But when there were hordes of Remys (or Mickeys), oh God, different story.

So, there goes my day.

A little rocky at the start but went quite smoothly towards the end.

It wasn't excellent. But it was good nonetheless.

What would make it excellent, a friend would say?

I gave a pretty cheesy, honest answer (ask me if you want to know)

with a voice at the back of my mind shouting, "it's been quite a day, should I just say it to get it over with?" (if you want to know, ask me again. if you know, good for you, i overshared. lol)

with another voice saying, "are you OUT OF YOUR MIND?"

So, I guess the 2nd one won for now. But I think I did get my answer through or my thoughts.

My smallest wish for my birthday wasn't fulfilled, but it doesn't matter now.

I think I'm fine and it was a good birthday.

Not too many frills, and more tears than usual. I wasn't able to see a lot of my friends, but they remembered and I got a share of their exclusive time, whatever they may be doing.

So, thank you. It wasn't excellent, but it was good nonetheless.

And it wouldn't have been good without all of you.

Rain

I've always been a sucker for rain. And it's not going to be the first time I say or write about it either. Just days ago, the newspaper was asking the nation to pray for rain. Despite attempts to seed the clouds with salt and force stubborn water down on earth, the dams that control Manila's supply of water remain dry, while of course, it floods in South Asia and hundreds of people were displaced and became homeless.

God sure can be ironic sometimes. So, about a week after, here comes the rain that everyone has probably been praying for. Our windows here at the office are quite thick, but you can hear the wind carrying the water and the water pelting on the window panes... Strong rain. How I wish I can open the windows to smell it without bothering anybody.

The sight of rain is especially comforting if you're indoors and watching it. You can watch it fall and reminisce about good moments. You can watch the wind rage along with it and think of how you can associate your thoughts and pains and all your strong emotions with it. You can just watch the water flow.

Ok, I lost my train of thought. Later! Think I'd go watch the rain first. :)

She Who Talks to Our Dogs

i think we're raising a potential criminal.

some of you may know that our maid's daughter has been living with us for years. We've treated her as one of the family and before, we used to take turns in tutoring her.
Today was weird though.
I was lying in bed after a day of work and heard a kid talking. I thought our neighbor had one over, never really realized that it was OUR kid.
So anyway, my mom comes in from the balcony and tells me it was her.

So, curious that I am, I go out and perch on the balcony ledge... And watched her do her monologue with our 7 dogs.

With a long bamboo stick, she goes,

"Ikaw Moonstar, Lucky, wag kayong tatayo,
Sandara, Moonstar, Kulot, Hoki, Lucky, Mega, Super,
Wag kayong maingay. Wag kayong tatahol,
*Pak* (bamboo hits a cage)
(ironically hindi tumahol yung mga aso, seemed they were amused)
Kung tumayo pa kayo isang beses *Pak*
Bakit ang ingay ingay niyo?
Ha? Sandara, Moonstar, wag kayong tatawa!....*pak!*..."

I have an odd feeling that she learned this from her teachers in school.
Talked to her mom only to find out that her previous teachers have said some stuff about her behavior.

People have asked if she had kids to play with at home, and well, even for the lack of it, it was kinda odd...She shouldn't do that.

I take it as a time of wanting to be in power
Uh Oh.

But take it out on my poor poor doggies? Can't be. Anyway, side thought. All the dogs were silently watching her with amusement.... tsk.. you go figure

My mom called her for a chat, and she answers quite well, actually.

I find it odd though...

Interesting case study...

:p

My Latest Gadget Cravings :D

I've always been a sucker for gadgets.

So, here are my latest "craving"(s?) haha
*swoon* lol

Samsung U700




Sony Cyber-shot T20 (after a lot of thought and deliberation :D)

:(

i can't help but think that I'm doing a bad job.
botching things up. not being to do everything well.
it's very uncharacteristic of me...
a low point, a low season maybe?
i have totally no idea. but whatever i am feeling is no excuse
work is not like that, isn't it?
if you don't perform, you're out of here.
go find someone else that can do a better job
i am honestly stressed out and have no idea what i can do
what i should do and what i am doing.
i am very very tired.
and i think i want to give up..
help?

Tired. and You're not helping.

Today...07.26.2007...

i can never understand how moods can actually become very contagious. i've spent the whole day feeling uneasy and edgy because my boss seems to be quite unhappy. it's odd actually when there's the feeling that the person is unhappy because of what you did.

But what did I do?

Some months ago, I remembered asking directly if she was angry at me...

And I got a laugh, turned out she was just stressed..

It's been a while really, I should be getting used to it... But how come, not?

Anyway, some thoughts for today...

1) Chocolait/Chuckie is happiness. Yum :)
2) When ranting needs to be done, Jim is good company (Thanks jim jim)
3) My IA siblings are happy company. Through thick or thin pareho kami ng mga feeling. LoL. - Hello to Vic, Chris and Aiza :) More power to us. hahaha
4) I am at that point where I just want to curl up and finish Harry Potter! :D (Karen, mauunahan talaga kita)
5) This pictures says more than I can type :)

Makes you calm, doesn't it? :) Thanks Les for sharing this over multiply. :D

Today....07.26.2007
Loads of deadlines...
But because you can't seem to lift your spirits,
You're still lagging behind...

I love it when a smile's contagious..
But frowns and negative energy?
Sigh...

shoo

i don't know.

it seems that if you approach me today and ask me...

how are you?

my sole answer would be,

I'm not OK, go away.

-la-di-da-

i chose breaking free as the first song of the day. needed something light. something i wouldn't mind listening to on a friday morning. i came to the office a lil bit earlier today - hitched a ride with mom who was going to makati.

it feels just like any friday, i don't want to work (don't i always?) and it seems that God is on my side, leaving me with only 39 emails to deal with on the first round. not a bad way to end the week.

i haven't really started on them yet, but i know i can finish them in a little while. i was talking to nats over the phone a while ago, discussing how we're going to go about later on 'coz we're going for dinner later over at omakase. spicy tuna salad. yum, can't wait.

realized some stuff while talking to her a while ago... "no matter what your job is, (unless it's field work), it does entail sitting in front of a screen (whether desktop or laptop) and emailing all day long. so, the people who keep on saying this job or that job is secretarial, dude, every job is secretarial, every job is administrative, whether you like it or not.

everyone has just got to make a living.

i've been doing some thinking lately. i've come with some conclusions and more questions for myself and other people. but then, something i again realized is that no matter how much i try to deny it, i do live in the shadows of what was taught and ingrained in me when i was young. this is bad and that is good, this is tolerable, and that is not...

there are just some things that you cannot change.
there are just some things that you have to live with.

i thought the other day that i was trying to compare myself too much to other people and that is way too wrong. i am myself and i am good at the things that i am blessed with. i should be happy and move on.

get over it.

some people have it, some don't. but that doesn't mean i don't have anything.

i have something.

anyway, moving on, i received 2 parallel news yesterday regarding the promotion of 2 friends in their respective positions.

congratulations dustin and keith. :)

can't think of anything else.

later!

Personal DNA

Check your personal DNA :)

Filipino Creativity

I should have posted this some time ago...
It was one of those mornings that I took the jeep to work
Only to find this jeep so amusing...
Usually jeeps in the Philippines would have those
"hila mo, stop ko" strings in the middle of the ceiling
So people who can't shout out "para po, manong"
Can just pull the string to stop the jeepney wherever you want to go down..

So, anyway, on that day,
This jeepney had one of those strings...
Which for me proved to be SO interesting...
The string was made out of a chain of softdrink can tabs
chained together...

Take a look at the Filipino creativity...

Lakbayan!

My Lakbayan grade is C-!

How much of the Philippines have you visited? Find out atLakbayan!

Created by Eugene Villar.

Imagini

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

I'm Not That Girl - Wicked

Artist: Wicked
Song: I'M Not That Girl
Album: Wicked (2003 Original Broadway Cast)
[" Wicked (2003 Original Broadway Cast) " CD]

Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl.

Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl

Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in

Blithe smile, lithe limb
She who's winsome, she wins him
Gold hair with gentle curl
That's the girl he chose
And heaven knows
I'm not that girl...

Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl...

I think I am getting tired of what i am doing.

bah

i came in this morning, groggy as ever.
i woke up at 628 or something like that, as long as it's a few minutes before my alarm rang
it has been like that since a few days ago
last week it was the weird set of dreams that kept waking me up
i turned to sleep again, only to find myself restless
i got out of bed at about 730...
it's another day, it's another day...
got to the office
switched my computer on
93 new mails....
i wonder what kind of day this'll be...
blah..

a reflection on work (after 8 months)

i was at a call the other day with lily from lenovo and she was trying to discuss with me the barrage of chinese words she had typed up in 6 separate excel sheets for me. in reality, she IS the client and she IS doing me a favor by doing all of those. but the stuff was just SO overwhelming.

anyway, in the middle of the conversation, we were discussing about my assignees and how much they needed the 安全感，(the feeling of security), when they go through their relocation procedure from china to God knows where in the world. we laughed at the realization that after 8 months of doing the work, i somehow understand them and that i have gained their trust.

more and more people call me now just to ask or tell me stuff like, "who's going to pick me up at the airport?" or "can you tell the vendor i need to find a house somewhere in the upper floors, i am afraid of noise" things like that... day by day, i talk to these people and i think little by little they grow closer to me as the days go by.

i often wonder what it'll be like to meet them in person; the same way they sometimes wonder how i'll be in person. girl from the philippines who can somehow converse with them in their own language...tsk, the little detail amazes them so much that they all owe me meals.

but, i guess, little do they know that when i am in front of them, i am just any normal person and that i could be shy and i could be just as lost as they are trying to find a way to relocate smoothly, somewhere. all of us, i believe, are lost, or can be lost. but then, this is running off topic...

what would it be like, i wonder? to see them, to know that somehow you have mandated them to do some things that they didn't want to do or told them "NO," like their parents might have done while they were kids. It's such a weird weird feeling really, especially if you say the big N-O to the ones way way older than you are or the ones who hold a position to cut your head when you offend them.

i try my very best to keep myself in the middle and in an objective position but i find it quite hard really. my heart always goes to them, solutions are always thought of, and sometimes i believe i almost cross certain lines. might have to keep that in mind sometimes. :D so there, enough reflection for the day...

just to think it over again, i am happy that i am able to understand how they feel and think and be able to have them cross my life.

i sit and close my eyes, taking a whiff of the highly polluted cubao air, i shall go on, for now...

Creative Zen V Plus

• ooohhh ooooh, i just remembered, I want a Creative Zen V Plus!!!

Thoughts for Today

• I can't find my flashdisk. I don''t know where I put it or saw it last.
  
• I had such an eventful day today, had a number of call ins and call outs that I can't even remember who I talked to exactly on this day and about what.
  
• My grandmother tripped today. She's 93 years old. :(
• I am looking for someone who has copies of Oceans 11 and 12 because I want to watch 13. I am such a loser. haha
• My mom's church's pastor just found out she has cancer. She's unmarried and doesn't have a lot of family here in the Philippines. :(
• I want to sit down and talk to someone, wala lang, just be relaxed and blab or be quiet or basta that kind of rest.
  
• I just found out Katie's back in Bahrain! Next time nalang :)
• I learned the other day that a person has to stick his own work permit on his passport (for Hong Kong, it's such an interesting process)
• Nothing else, nothing else, :D, not for now, anyway
  

rantrantrant

Now would be quite a good time to write something.
Yep, you guessed right...I'm not feeling so good. So, I have to try to write it down.

Been dreading all the workdays lately. Thinking of how many emails will welcome me when I open my computer in the morning isn't really the best way of putting yourself to sleep. You get weird un-understandable dreams in the middle of night, and you wake up too early or too late for work. You trudge to the bathroom, force yourself under the shower and catch a jeepney to work to find,....drumroll please....40-80 emails waiting for you.

WOW.

"It's just the perfect job for a computer person like you..." I've heard some friends say that, and myself too, mind you... Beside me, my seatmate types her emails away while I blog... ha. You see the difference.

So anyway, it is the perfect job...or was? I'm beginning to have 2nd thoughts. As normal as I could get, I'm someone who likes to solve other people's problems, which is exactly what my assignees have - problems and issues galore... but when it comes to mine, I think I'm kinda suck at it...

So, here comes an email, addressed to me, asking me to do something. Which on my ground, I believe I shouldn't do, so I explain why I can't do it. I am faced with a name dropping bitch who threatens to escalate me all over the world and take a part of my job responsibility. Funny. I should be happy with her who makes my job easier...so how come I feel a little heavy leaving all these people hanging?

Am I too attached to them? Am I too personal with my work? Or do I just loathe this person so much that I'd rather kill myself with so much work than give it to her? She's miles away, and I can hate her like this... I wonder if she's here? Tsk...it's either poor her or poor me..

So much for professionalism on my side. I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, this is my blog, so I'm free to bash as liked.

There, so much lighter...

Anyway, it's good to have a supportive management group and a peer group at work. But I can't kick the feeling of dread... Might be time to rethink some things...

Might be...

what a day

of all the days that i decided to leave my umbrella.
as in i literally left it because my bag was too heavy..
so i said, "iwan na to, di naman uulan, ang init init eh"
and threw the umbrella into a paperbag lying around on the table
mom just said "malay mo"
a few hours later,
gray skies
thunder
rain
whee.
what a day

The Brown Bag Cafe

It was a little restaurant that looked cozy from the outside. I've observed it all the time as I walked into Eastwood. The Brown Bag Cafe. I've always wondered what's in it and what they served, until today.

To think that I regret going in shouldn't really be said. What was supposed to be a trip to Italiannis was transferred to this little restaurant as there were too many people in Italinannis. But then, what the heck, it was a time to check out something new, try. So Chris, Glenn, Cristy and I set on a food journey that made us think of Jollibee after.

Salad, Whole wheat Pizza (4 cheese topping - so it wasn't all that healthy), Whole Wheat Pasta, and Brown Rice Fried Rice... It was interesting. We were taking time to criticize the service, the water that tasted worse than tap and the fact that we were the only ones in the place (at least there was space!)

So, anyway, apart from the service (frustrated servers), the food was all ok. Not really exceptionally priced, but the food was fine. They had their own niche so to say, trying to go for the healthy (which they are not really)...There we were talking, and chatting away. I had the feeling we should've gone back to Italiannis but we were already there, seated, bonding over food and friendship.

Until dessert came...wait, we didn't order dessert. Chocolate Syrup Pannacotta - Complimentary they said. Ok. Fine. It was good actually. And then, we asked for the bill. Then the bomb dropped, they don't accept credit cards (not to mention the signs all over saying Visa, tsk). Why?

Ma'am, kasi po, magsasara na kami in a few days. Last few days na po namin to. Sayang naman ngayon niyo lang na try yung restaurant namin.

Got guilty after that. So, didn't criticize anymore.

It was actually good that we got to try it before it closed down. And it was actually good to help a closing restaurant have a memory of us.

So there. Enough said.

Where's Manong?

It's been more than 2 weeks since I've seen "Manong..."

Yep, Manong, the TG (Taong Grasa) we lovingly call that because we didn't know how else to address him.

Manong grew on us when he moved into Yale Street just a few months before Christmas 2006.
With his various plastic bags, backpack, cap and greasy face, he became a mainstay on our street, on the sidewalk of the house beside ours. Sometimes, he attempted to hang around in ours but I think he learned that my sister comes home late every night so he moved to the house next door...

Manong was the kind of TG I never hated, in fact, he was the TG that seemed to become part of my everyday life. Every night, I'd come home around the same time as Manong from work. I'd observe him trying to get into his sleeping position in front of Dr. Filart's garage. Or I'd see him asleep already when I come home a bit late. In the mornings, Manong would situate himself outside my Uncle Pedro's house, with his normal plastic bags and backpack, he'd sit there, quietly drinking from a Jollibee or Mini Stop cup, or eating a sandwich. He was Manong, the Yale TG, he was Manong, the TG that ate, drank and struggled to squeeze his way between the electric post and the taxi blocking the way to his temporary home. He was Manong, whom my sister gave a Christmas shirt too and from there we found out he changed clothes.

He was Manong, and we don't know where he is.

I started to notice Manong's "unpresence" around more than 2 weeks ago. Before the holy week. I went out in the morning as usual, on my way to catch the jeep to work. He was nowhere to be seen, not at Uncle Pedro's nor was he across the street where he sometimes goes as well... Days passed and Manong never seemed to be there when I got home from work... After the holy week I posed the question to my family, "Where was Manong?"

It was only then they realized he wasn't there. No one noticed...

But it still doesn't change things...

Where's Manong?

And how is he?

blahs

There seems to be so much to write about. Little things, big things (meron ba?), ordinary things, not-so-ordinary things, there is just so much. But I can't seem to find the correct words to put everything together.

Trying to drown my self's inner noise with the music of Jars of Clay, I try to type this entry. Nothing make sense. A touch would burn, a word could be easily regarded as static, nothing, absolutely NOTHING makes any sense.

But I'll try to sort them out here anyway.

Just this morning, my mom was convincing me that I was fat. She need not do that. Haha. I know all on my own. She went on saying my brother was complaining that I was getting bigger - right the 200 ++ pound guy spoke his mind about his little sister gaining a bit weight with the excuse that he's a guy and it's ok for him to be pot-bellied... RIGHT.

She goes on nagging me that I don't like to go jogging/walking with them when they go to Ateneo on Tuesday and Thursday nights. It's not that really... It's not that I prefer to not keep myself fit but it's just that I am so tired at the end of the day... and given the choice to go walking with my family for exercise or staying at home to have some "alone time," I'd gladly choose the alone time to sort the noisy thoughts in my head.

But then, I can't tell that, can I? They'd start thinking I was depressed, or into some trouble and they'd start recommending psychiatrists next.

Really, when I was given that chance to leave them for a week to go to Beijing last year, it felt great to have some quiet. I didn't miss them. It wasn't the independence that I craved, it's the quiet and the peace that you don't get when they're with you. Too much noise, too much formalities...too much of this and that which right now, I don't want to care about.

I told her I wanted to go swim weekly instead (she hates swimming) so here comes the violent reaction that I wasn't being practical, that walking was the best sport or whatever. Well, excuse me, in swimming, you use basically all your muscles. Oh, oh, let's not forget she mentioned the chlorine and getting dark. Yeah, leave it to my mother to be vain about these things. Why can't she just admit that she didn't like the water and the fact the going somewhere without her makes her rather a bit uncomfortable? Oh God. I appreciate a parent, especially since she's the only one left, but, being over attached? Help!

To be continued... My train of thought just died...

Psyche Colors

Your Psyche is Red

You are bright, bold, energetic, and intense. Your upbeat, zany energy inspires those who are down. Spontaneous and playful, you also have a courageous and fearless side. When you are too red: you are angry, overprotective, and truly scary. When you don't have enough red: you are depleted and lifeless.

What Color Is Your Psyche?

:p

hay. eto nanaman. iikot nanaman ang mundo ko.
just because little things pacify me.
lunch?
check if im alive.
stuff like that.
wala na.
everything goes away
a smile replaces everything else
i am at peace
and tomorrow will be another day

uneasy

There's this hint of uneasiness in me that I can't seem to get rid of.

没什么

我真对你没有什么意义吗？
想起来，真的好伤心。
我不是说别的，我的朋友。
但是看来是也没有这个做你朋友的资格。
刚刚发信给我，问我怎么煮饭
我也教你了， 真得太傻
为了你傻傻的存在。

Ok, That's It

I was walking towards Eastwood this morning and didn't notice Chris walking in front of me until she stopped and smiled and said, ang tulala mo kasi.

Monday morning. Perfect excuse.

But it's not really that it was Monday morning. For the past weeks, I have learned to be desensitized with Mondays. Realizing that Fridays always come only a few days after and the weekend is just a few hours before Monday. It's really just nothing anymore.

So there I was, trying to find my way to CyberOne, staring into space, thinking how stupid the cleaner was for using a floor polisher to wash/brush/clean a wash out floor with soap and water. That polisher's not going to be around for long... when Chris stopped and smile at me and said I was tulala. True, I was.

More tulala matters later on when we reached the office building. Ms. A talks about the state of my current Chinese assignees in Singapore - oh my poor assignees. Opens the computer and continues a conversation with Eug from a txt message he sent last night. And finally came to a certain conclusion to say, "OK, THAT'S IT"

"OK, THAT'S IT" is not this wonderful beautiful idea, it's actually a confused decision regarding pursuing certain things in life. That little by little everyday, you realize that what you've been actually searching for is not really there. And that you've probably been looking in the wrong place for almost two years. Or maybe, little by little everyday, the truth sinks in.

Better late than never, many will say. Better late than never. Looking back, it's true that the years weren't really wasted. I was brought back up to my feet by going after this thought, this crazy idea. I was up and about and I knew it had made me better.

I'll divert first and share with you something about a show my mom and I have been staying up late for these days. She started watching this show called "Sister/Jiejie" - a korean telenovela a few days ago... I came home and got hooked despite being so tired for the past few days. It tells the story of a girl who basically grew up a princess - dad's a tycoon, bought all those designer labels, and was about to go to Italy to get further studies. She had a poor professor/lecturer boyfriend whom she really loved but let go off because her father didn't really approve of him being poor and all that stuff. She mourned her loss but tried to put on this mask and told everyone that she left because he was poor...and now that she was free, she could actually buy all the stuff she wants without the feeling of guilt. Anyways, just wanted to say, I have to agree with her. It's not really you don't care about a person sometimes, but then there are things that you can't compromise and WILL NOT compromise EVER.

Problem with her in the story is that twist of fate made her poor. Oh well.

Back to making me better...

I couldn't deny that I am at a better state than what I was around 3 years ago. I am stronger and back in fighting form. Three years ago, I was down, I felt like a rag and I didn't believe in myself. It took a lot of time to believe in my strengths and abilities again. So, despite the truth that is sinking day by day that the reason that prodded me to go on this journey is not really a solid one, I am proud to say that it made me better. It gave me that initiative to actually move on and see better things.

So maybe now, I am ready.

To move on again.

We'll see.

After all, we never know what life has in store for us.

We'll see...we'll see...

~*~

People know where to find me...
When They Need Me.

rawr

Oh god oh god oh god.
Of all the mistakes I could make
Ask any of my friends, it's either I forget greeting you on your birthday or I remember it right
Gawd. Of all the people to have the date wrong for.
Oh GOD.
donk*donk*donk*
and I don't think I'm gonna get forgiven any time soon for this.
Not forgiving myself either.
Waaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh
Help...
Sorry na :(

e-hem.

I couldn't bear it anymore. So, I asked.
Kapal muks si cha. As always.
But then, I WISH i am as kapal
When it comes to ______.
Maybe because I haven't gotten to that point.
That point where I can't take it anymore?
Or I'm just not as scared as a while ago to ask.
Because this answer,
This other answer,
Is worth so much much more.
Or so I think.

still can't kick that feeling.

gutfeels suck

Can't shake the feelings that my superior's not pretty happy with me today.
As far as I know, what I did within the day was within line.
I don't know. There's a gut feel I can't shake.
It's not a good day.

Screw this Friday.

not getting any work done, therefore...

Seem to be spending more and more this week. Started the week off with Oliver's. Told myself I wasn't feeling well and I wanted to eat a good breakfast. Yesterday, I got some blank - CDs to back up my files, ended up buying more than I should, which included my CD debt to my mom since I used up all her blank CDs. Today, I felt like getting lunch outside, so I had some Shawarma Rice to compliment my vegetables. Fatness. Stress? Or what? Dunno. Gotta stop spending or the only things that will save my food cravings as of the moment are my Jollibee Gift Certificates.

This is so not right. Wehehehe

PS: I'm not getting any work done as my computer is getting re-cloned/reformatted whatever. I'll be loaded tomorrow. Rawr

Do You Dream in Color, or Black & White?

It all started with a decent conversation with God asking for closure. It was just before I slipped off to la-la land. I had a pretty much nice and fitful rest for the first 7 hours, until my alarm rang at around 6:30 AM. Just like any other normal person, I hit the snooze button, making it ring again after 9 minutes. (Yes, I know, my phone is weird, it re-alarms after every 9 minutes, not 5 not 10, but 9...) After 2 more vain attempts to wake me up, I finally shut my alarm off...only to find myself into a deep sleep with matching full-length dream.

It was as if it was a continuation to my prayer last night. It was as if the 7 hours of sleep didn't exist. It wasn't a nightmare (nor was it day-mare), but it was nonetheless an interesting dream.

Ok, ok, I'll get to it now...

It was in full-color, with the complete set of characters.

I was somewhere with some of my family members. It was an unknown place but we were there to stroll until we came up to a person I knew all too well. I haven't seen him for more than 7 years, but I knew it was him. I was updated with his life anyway. In my dream, I still knew the facts about him - that he had a girlfriend at that same moment, that we somehow weren't even supposed to know how to talk to each other when we saw each other again. Or maybe that was my point of view.

Anyway, there we were, and my family disappeared. A little wooden box suddenly magically appeared in my hand. It was a small box that was divided into 8 spaces - somewhat like a little version of those wooden boxes cigarette vendors carry on their daily routes. In the divisions, there were some spaces with little trinkets, supposedly stuff that I gave this person before. It was funny, we were walking in a tree-lined street and we were conversing. Finally, after so long, getting the chance to talk about the past. I was asking why he didn't throw the box away (okay sidenote, I did give the person a wooden box around 9 years ago) and the answer was simple, "I would be too rude, if I did even that, right?"

I kept my quiet and wanted to throw the box myself. After all, it was over. It was clear. But the person kept me from throwing it away. As useless was the box now as it was the first time I saw it in my dream... He looked at me and gave me a hug. I hugged back. It wasn't anything done out of malice, but something done out of ... I don't know, respect? A hug that somehow told you that what's done is done, the past is the past. It didn't promise a future, but it promised a bond, a certain friendship that no one would understand. We walked hand in hand towards some place, only to find out later we were on the way to his house.

Before we got to his home, we met my family again. We were still together, holding hands, or hand-on-waist or something like that. He gave me a peck on the cheek and we were happy. Happy to be friends, happy to know that it's over. Happy to be open and just there. My family didn't mind. My in-law was confused though. She didn't understand who the person was and why my mother was not reacting violently (ok, even I was weirded out in my consciousness) but they were there and were happy and cooperative. They didn't even complain, and they were gone again.

On towards to his home, I saw his family. I was introduced to his mom, though I knew she heard of me almost a decade ago, I asked her how she was doing. She was carrying a baby. To my bewilderment, I was thinking, "A new one?" Apparently, it was a new sister, and the little child before was beside me, gave me a "beso" and asked who I was. She was taller than me already, she was porcelain white, and she was a cute kid... The other sister was missing and I was looking for her... She appeared holding a bunch of shopping bags... I laughed. It was like meeting old old friends after such a long time. Comfort. Familiarity. Understanding.

We walked out again. Awkward at the new-found comfort. I met one of my cousins... and then started walking again, hand-in-hand, until I woke up...

I dreamt in color.

And I think I got my closure. (even if this wasn't the closure I was asking for)

I think I got a better one.

Finally, I understood.

argh

Look at me.
You still don't get it do you?

Sometimes, I do want to be treated as a weakling. Someone who needs the help and support of someone. I was asking my brother just a while ago to help me fix the computer. He just said I was whining. True, I whined. Still, when will be helpable to anyone?

I exude the same aura as my mother, or any female in my family for that matter. Strong women. Almost every woman in my family in both sides are strong women. Their characters are unbelievable and when they start to battle, even the quietest one of them will have something to say. The women in my family would always have a say.

Sometimes, I wished I was weak. Or well, at least not thought of so much as someone who can take care of herself. At one point, it IS something I cannot erase out of my system. But it doesn't mean I don't want people to care or to help or to support me.

Just a while ago, I wanted to be a weakling, to be technologically incompetent and just let my brother fix the computer. But no, I was "whining," so I had to fix it myself. Strong girl, smart girl, whatever.

Right now, I just want to be weak. And rely. And somehow just be cared for.

It's tiring to take care of myself.

Really.

Today's just not one of those days you can compliment me on being strong.

NO.

Kit Tatad's Open Letter to Erap : Why do You Want to Do this to our People?

I read this article on the Philippine Daily Inquirer (Jan 30, 2007) Kit Tatad, a close ally of the former president Joseph Estrada makes a few points in his letter below and I think , he does make valid points here. It gets a bit personal somewhere in the middle but maybe it's unavoidable.

Enjoy the piece. It's a good read.

TATAD ASKS ERAP -- WHY DO YOU WANT TO DO THIS TO OUR PEOPLE?

President Joseph Ejercito Estrada
Chairman Emeritus
United Opposition

Dear Mr. President:

I write to make of record my position on certain issues related to the May 2007 senatorial elections. My only concern is the honor of our party and wellbeing of our people.

I shall start by recalling our UNO meeting on Polk Street on New Year's day (morning). Joining the President then were Mayor Jojo Binay, Ernie Maceda, Tito Sotto, Chiz Escudero, Boy Morales, and myself. Fred Lim and Baby Asistio joined later.

The meeting followed no set agenda or structure. Tito Sotto had much to say about his group which he believed should be on the UNO ticket. This included:

1. Tessie Aquino Oreta, who did not seek reelection after her first term ended in 2001;
2. Sonny Osmena, who ran unsuccessfully on the administration ticket in 2004;
3. Greg Honasan, who is now under detention on charges of rebellion following his highly publicized capture in Quezon City;
4. Loren Legarda, who wants to go back to the Senate at the cost of her vice presidential protest against Noli de Castro; and
5. Tito Sotto himself, who is back on entertainment tv in preparation for the campaign.

It was the first time I heard of this group earnestly wanting to run under the Opposition. Last year, they sent Johnny Rojas to represent them in our UNO meetings. From him we learned that they had been preparing to run, but that they would rather stay "somewhere in the middle," than identify themselves openly with the Opposition. Many of us (notably Jojo Binay) were particularly anxious about that statement. So I listened to Tito with undivided attention.

Tito and Chiz Escudero provided most of the conversation, with Ernie Maceda occasinoally interjecting. mention was made of:

1. Ping Lacson, who has abandoned his earlier decision to run for mayor of Manila and decided instead to seek reelection;
2. Ed Angara, who was reported to be putting [together] a "unity ticket," but in whose behalf Loren Legarda had reportedly telephoned the President for possible inclusion in the Opposition lineup;
3. Manny Villar and his group, which includes Joker Arroyo, Ralph Recto, and Kiko Pangilinan; and
4. Drilon's Liberal Party, which was reported to be pushing for Noynoy Aquino's inclusion in the UNO slate.

No one opposed Lacson's reentry, but no one pushed for Angara's inclusion. There was not much information about Villar's group -- not even Jojo Binay could say whether or not his friend Joker was running again. The President said he expects to meet shortly with Villar. Upon mention of Noynoy Aquino's name, Tito Sotto promptly cut in to say that between Noynoy and his auntie, Tessie Aquino Oreta, the latter would have better chances of winning. Fred Lim disagreed, saying that if Noynoy ran, his sister Kris Aquino, who is a tv host, would certanly ensure his winning.

I made two short interventions.

1. I proposed that UNO set some criteria or standards before admitting anyone who wants to ride the Opposition bandwagon. Some these people had junked the President without ceremony to support Mrs. Arroyo in 2001 and 2004; now they want UNO to give them a ride because it seems no longer profitable to be identified with Mrs. Arroyo, although they have not openly abandoned her. They want to collect on every throw of the dice even after they've lost the game. And we seem so eager to provide the revolving door for their crass opportunism. Has it never occurred to us that UNO, rather than Ed Angara whom UNO has excluded from its lineup, could end up putting together the "UNITY TICKET" that combined the best and the worst administration and opposition personalities?

2. With great pain, I expressed some reservations about drafting Koko Pimentel, Alan Peter Cayetano, and J.V. Ejercito as UNO candidates while Koko's father -- Senate Minority Leader Nene Pimentel, Alan Peter's sister -- Sen. Pia Cayetano, and J.V. Ejercito's half-brother -- Senator Jinggoy Estrada are sitting in the Senate until 2010. I jut could not accept the ideo of such bright young men doing what the "trapo to end all trapos" would probably not do, and for the Senate, with all its absurdities, to end up as a mad and shallow "Family Ball." Where Malacanang failed, UNO just might succeed -- we would abolish the Senate's reason for being.

I would have been proud to campaign for these young men if this one impediment did not exist, or if their next of kin gave up their Senate seats right now. But under the circumstances, the Titanic would sink if the three wonders came on board. I would rather encourage J.V. Ejercito to go for a third term as mayor of San Juan; Koko Pimentel to try his luck a second time in Cagayan de Oro, where he lost his mayoralty bid when his father was Senate President; and Alan Peter to do something exciting in Taguig in the meantime. They have all the time in the world towait; they can wait; they should wait.

I had to die in that meetng to be able to say the first line of a long sentence. I had already lost too many friends because of politics and I did not want to lose any more tha I already have. But the truth need to be said, and nobody else seemed to willing to say it. I had to take the risk. The ancients said it so well: Amicus Pluto, amicus Socrates, sed magis amica veritas -- "Plato is dear to me, Socrates is dear, but the truth is dearer still."

This was not a question of the Constitution or the law, but simply of ethics -- of what is right and proper. Article II, Sec. 26 of the 1987 Constitution says, "The State shall guarantee equal access to opportunities for public service, and prohibit political dynasties as may be defined by law." No enabling law has been enacted, but we have a serious moral duty to live by the spirit of the Constitution, and not make the problem of political dynasties any more messy and than it already is.

Political dynasties are either appreciated or hated, tolerated or feared. But even in the worst of cases, dynastic family members try simultaneously to occupy as many different offices as possible, or else they alternate or rotate in holding on to a particular office that allows them to exercise power. Never do they sit together in the same office at the same time. This is precisely what the three young men's senatorial bid threatens to alter.

The obvious assumption is that the voters are so pissed off with GMA that they will eat any kind of dung we give them. This is false. We cannot have such a very poor opinion of our people. In the end, they will prove us wrong, whatever the paid pollsters tell us. Thereafter, twelve or eight or six families could end up controlling all 24 seats. Husbands and wives, together with their sons and daughters, and uncles and aunties, why not, could end up running as one big gang.

You, Mr. President, and we, your friends in UNO, have a special responsibility to make sure this does not even begin to happen. The Senate is a small body of 24 members, representing a nation of 90 million Filipinos or about 18 million families. No single family has a vested right ot be represented there. Membership in the Senate is a privilege conferred by the people. It is a gift from them, except when cheats manage to rig the electoral process. No two senators from a single nuclear family had ever sat there until Jinggoy was elected in 2004, after his mother Sen. Loi Estrada had been elected in 2001. But this was the result of an extraordinary situation, an exception which proves the rule.

We all know how and why in happened. In 2001, the President was removed in a coup after his impeachment trial was cut short by a walkout of the prosecutors. He wanted to show -- and the Opposition and the voters agreed with him then -- that despite his removal he continued to enjoy popular support which the people were willing to translate into Senate seats for his wife Loi and his son Jinggoy. That, however, was to be a one-shot deal only, not to be used as a precedent or model.

Now that Senator Loi has decided in your words, "to retire" and become your "caregiver," that exceptional situation would cease to exists, and what many believe was truly an error would be finally cured. But were the President ot inflict his other son J.V. Ejercito on the UNO ticket, then he would be perpetuating the error, and encouraging others to follow his example, as seems to be happening now to th etwo otherwise bright young men -- Alan Peter Cayetano and Koko Pimentel.

Not only would the President be perpetuating an error, he would also be confirming the suspicion of those who reject any possibility of his assuming any leadership role in the post-Arroyo scenario before or after 2010 -- that his ideo of the national interest is serously impaired by his devotion to the personal. This is totally unnecessary and unfair.

We at UNO cannot possibly support this error without in effect telling the masses, whose champions we say we are, that, contrary to what we have been saying to them, and what we have led them to believe, our primary interest has nbever been to serve them but only to serve ourselves. We would thereby be throwing away our moral advantage, and making our party the most effective campaigners for the administration.

I have no doubt that if the administration tried to do what the leader of UNO wants to do now, we would be the first ones to shout to the high heavens in outrage and anger. Why then should we ever want to o it ourselves? Our people expect us to do better, and we have so assured them. Have we been lying to them all this time that we have been syaing that Mrs. Arroyo is the liar? If we are no better than the ones we denounce, what right have we to be here at all? To whom will our people turn if they see that the administration and the Opposition have cancelled eath other out? Would this not be the cruelest betrayal?

In the meeting, I waited to hear someone say I was wrong. I waited to be told that the reason or reasons for drafting the three next of kin of sitting senators were far beyond my ability to grasp in one short lifetime. But there was no effort to shoot down or refute my objection. No effort to explain why UNO has to have all the star fruits and the three wonders on this dream ticket. You will, therefore, understand why when you and Ernie Maceda agreed to release to the media the names of the three wonders as part of your proposed ticket, while my objection was waiting to be addressed, I felt that my long service to the Opposition and my presence in that meeting had just been annulled. That was the worst possible slap I had every received -- and from my party colleagues yet. For that reason, I decided that any future participation in any UNO activity on my part would be completely superfluous.

The real issue here is our moral integrity as the presumed alternative to the Arroyo government. I have fought for this, a little more than many of those you see in the street marches. After the 2001 coup, many simply decided to cross over to the administration. Many others decided to watch and see, to bury their heads in the sand, or to negotiate the terms of mutually beneficial coexistence. I decided to keep on clarifying the issues for myself, the Opposition, and the nation. Many of those now grovelling before you used to laugh at the very line which they now superficially spout for your pleasure. There were times when all I could hear was my lone solitary voice -- and that of Professor Alan Paguia, whose right to practice and even teach law has since been cancelled -- madly questioning President Arroyo's legitimacy after almost everyone else had caved in.

But I refused to back down. With the help of a few brave souls on the Citizens vs. Corruption Task Force, I continued to expose major scams in the government, including the P100-billion customs bonds scame, the P100-million DOTC airport land scam, the $2 million BSP fund diversion in Hong Kong, the misuse of OWA funds, and the P728-million Agricultural Modernization Fund scam, now known as the Jocjoc Bolante affair, which became cause celebre at the Senate in 2006, two years after I had exposed it at the start of the 2004 campaign.

That entailed a hevay price, and I paid it in full. In the 2004 elections, which I though was the best of my senatorial campaign, I was singled out for demolition. This was known to PMP and to KNP, whose members had read or heard about Oplan Checkmate, which detailed the plot against our presidential ticket and me, and which had surface at the start of the campaign. As always, you did what you could do to help, but if there was any party or coalition effort to save my candidacy from the Oplan, it never caught my attention.

On the campaign trai, radio-tv-coverage suddenly vanished as soon as it was my turn to speak. My campaign posters everywhere were brought down by the wrecking crew in less than 24 hourse. On election day, my name disappeared from the 12-man KNP senatorial slate on the Comelec official list of candidates posted in every voting b ooth to guide voters and appeared separately as the lone PMP senatorial candidate at the bottom of the printed form.

At the counting, my votes mysteriously shrank by something like 80% as they traveled from the barangay precinct to the national canvassing center. In contrast, the votes of one losing candidate were padded by at least 200% to make the recipient on of the top senatorial winners. Ultimately, my recorded "historic vote" a term known to seasoned political players and analysts -- which in two successful senatorial elections had risen to close to 11million by 1995 was savaged to nearly half that number.

Today, I am a defendant in a criminal libel case filed by the First Gentleman in a Manila court arising from a 2004 post-election newspaper article which attributes to me certain statements that not even slightly libelous. My name had been dropped from the complaint in 2004 but was reinstated in 2006, upon motion of the complainant -- after the supposed crme had legally prescribed.

All this is par for the course. None of it should have been mentioned here were I not obliged to show that I have earned the right to be heard on the basic morality of our cause.

Before I left Polk street, you came over to say that yould like to have me included in your senatorial slate. I begged off. "Please don't, Mr. President," I said. You tried to insist, but I pleaded, "Please, Mr. President." You did not say so, but you seemed to be under the impression that I was objecting to certain candidacies because I wanted to be a candidate myself. That was not the point at all. It was a total misimpression. We should know each other well enough by now for you to know if there was anything I have ever done or would ever do just for my own self-interest.

My one consuming desire is to see the country return to a state of normalcy where all can live a morally upright life, and one does not have to be part of a power structure to get the respect he deserves. Where law and justice are one and truth presides, where deserving individuals are elected to high office because the office needs them, and not because they need the office. For this reason, I wanted to see electoral reforms before the parade of celebrities and popular incompetenets begins. Thus, I was for boycotting the elections if no electoral reforms were put in place. However, tht position was quickly vaporized after a swarm of ambitious innocents, whose idea of national politics consists purely of packing public office with synthetic personalities, started hyping the Oppositions alleged ability to give Mrs. Arroyo the same "thumping" the Democrats gave the Republicans in the last U.S. elections. This was capped by the President's premature announcement of his dream ticket.

This, I thought was a serious mistake, as did a number of respected foreign analysts. Under these circumstances, I could not bring myself to consider running again, even though I honestly believe that I have the right and duty to regain the Senate seat which was fraudulently taken away from me in 2004. So when you asked me why I would not want to join your ticket, I said: first, becuase I wasnt sure elections would be held -- (to date, there is still no budget); second, because I wasn't sure the elections would be honest, assuming they were held -- we have not insisted on electoral reforms and no reforms have been put in place; third, because I did not believe I could be part of a ticket whose other candidates I could not even endorse to the public. There were two other reasons: I could not allow it to interrupt the joys of grandparenting, and I need to honor some publishing commitments which could no longer be delayed.

This, for me tha, is a new turning point. I began my political career in 1969, when I was appointed to the Cabinet at 29, the youngest such appointee in our history. Through the years, I have fought many fights, many of them lost causes. I have not learned to exchange principle for personal pleasure or profit, and I have always paid the price. This allows me to stand on my own, with no fear of powers or personalities, of the dark or of the light; to snore quietly in my sleep every night in the hope of waking up in the monring to a loving and merciful God; to speak up whenever truth demands a witness, and something that needs to be said in speech and in silence is not being said.

I would be untrue to myself if I said that what the leaders of UNO propose to do with their "UNITY TICKET" is right. It is most certainly not, and I will not dishonor our friendship by keeping silent or pretending that it is right, or of little or no consequence. I want to thank yo for your friendship and for the many personal kindnesses you have extended to me and to my wife, in the course of that friendship. We shall remain friends for as long as we both put ourselves and our personal interests int he sevice of truth, justice and the common good.

May the good Lord guide you always,

Sincerely yours,

FRANCISCO S. TATAD

getting in touch with my morbid side

And, NO I am not suicidal
Just enjoying my morbid side.

random thoughts from my LJ yesterday

(1) I smell election time (saw ed angara's tv ad yesterday)
(2) Nothing makes sense.
(3) I need a long vacation - alone.
(4) Red Ribbon Palabok and Chicken Empanada will make the day a lil brighter.
(5) God knows what I am asking for, only I think he doesn't want to give it to me
(6) Mothers drive you insane. Or family in general. But you can't and shouldn't live without them.
(7) Grocery shopping destresses me. I just need the funds for it. Yes, even if I don't eat what I buy. Buying them is fun.
(8) Credit card agents, well, they have a respectable job. Imagine, if they call 100 people a day and all of them say No like I did (just because I wasn't feeling nice) today, what would they feel?
(9) I'm not being productive at work today.
(10) I need a life. As Jimson says and everyone else too.
(11) I think my hair is thinning because of "stress" and it's not because I love bathing in hot hot water.
(12) I want to wake up feeling light and loving the world again. Maybe even for just a day. Like a day when you wake up and you feel like dancing or something like that.
(13) I should fix my deadline calendar alarm - what?
(14) Some people just know how to hurt me. I know how to as well.
(15) I'm getting in touch with my morbid side these days. Jeco's rubbing off on me. haha
(16) I should go now. I'll post some other thoughts later. For now, this should suffice.

ha

Money.

We are merely your opportunities to make money.

You lost a deal, you blame me and my mouth.

Great.

Fine.

You're not far from the people you criticize as well.

Stop being nice.

It's not you.

hrump grump frump

nutty

i find it such a nutty idea that my mom doesn't want me to place my laptop on my lap for fear that i might get too much radiation and might acquire some bad stuff or be ill or whatever. I appreciate the concern but it's really nutty. Kaka-stress.

silence best describes how i feel right now

2006 Reflections

Wrote this last New Year's Eve...
Last Year's reflections...
Happy New Year all

Fourteen minutes of the year 2007 silently (in a way) has passed. Sitting in a rented villa here in Fontana, (I know, I know, I’m not in Baguio – 1^st time in more than 10 years) I reflect over the past year like probably everyone else in the world. I plug in my earphones and listen to old music, my mom and sister’s phones ringing… ironically not mine. (Ha! Bitter till the end. =p)

2006 for me was a year of changes, turning points, opportunities, consequences and choices.

I started the year, a student; the mid-part of the year a professional bum and the latter part a “professional.” Wow naman shet, ang daming milestone kuno! Haha Right now, I actually can’t remember how old I am. Oh NO!

I remember relishing the last months of school. Sitting in our favorite corner in the library (and no, we don’t study, we just sit), or bugging Eug to go to National just to buy an Archie to make me feel a little better when I’m stressed. Cramming my minor in Chinese studies and having Law and Eug as audiences to the awarding ceremonies (parents daw sila at kawawa naman daw ako), getting Briggie for Hokkien 2 Class and ended up having Nats and Shoba as classmates, getting a teacher who sounded so much like me, it freaked me out…Lots of other things I can’t seem to put into words right now but the last sem of my college life was indeed something to hold on to.

March 2006 ended university officially. Welcome to the real world as they called it. We then began our journey to another world. Branded as an Atenean like cows coming from a barn.

Just like thousands of others coming from other barns (Blue, Green, Yellow, Red, whatever available combination…), we faced bum-world. Or maybe that’s just me. I got the chance to travel. Some of my friends called it hitching on a love boat when I decided to go for the 3-week Taiwan tour just for kicks and “detox”. Well, I came home proving them (or Cathy actually) wrong. Haha. I came home with a bunch of pictures, detoxed from my noisy, stressful world, and single – marking the end of the 2-year promise I have made to myself to clear my mind and my heart of something and someone. May 23, 2006.

I remember going straight to Mall of Asia after landing for around 2 hours. The biggest mall in Asia has opened and of course, I just had to see it… A couple of big typhoons came a few months later (Milenyo and Reming, I think and some others) and flooded the mall, busted the big signs… The wave-design of the mall, seemed to have served its purpose – as waves… And now, they started showing dolphin shows at the mall – I wonder where the water comes from. Manila Bay perhaps?

How’s the bay you ask? Still dirty.

Are you still reading? Lalalalala…

Bum world wasn’t as fun. People calling me while I was out of the country that they got jobs already weren’t helping. I remember there was even a time I cried because I seemed to have lost all my options. Yeah, I cried because I thought someone might not have deserved a certain job. But all’s fine now. Through the months, I learned that indeed, the Lord God has wonderful wonderful interesting plans for all of us, for me. I’m now working at IBM Business Services doing something similar to my org work of 4 years! Once an AIESECer, always an AIESECer. ;) Lang ya. Hahaha Exchange parin hanggang ngayon ang atupag. haha

Job hunting was coupled with a pending scholarship application to Beijing, China. It was a chance thing. One of my teachers gave me the form and I decided to try. I mean, what the heck, right? The want to stay and get a job and to further detoxify myself from my noisy world was a big tug-of-war. I eventually decided based on 2 words lent to me by another good friend. He said, “then what?” and not being able to answer that kind of question was a major reason enough to stay. Couple that with a few calls, attending interviews while fixing the visa and an upcoming controversial wedding (courtesy of my brother), then it’s a surefire formula for staying. Tsaka sabi ni Patrick, “alam mo Cha, kung magliliwaliw ka lang rin don, pwede ba, mag-stay ka nalang dito at kumita ng pera!” …

My brother got married last October 7, 2006. Oh, if you know the story, good for you. I will not elaborate here. If not, then, Happy New Year to you! But then, it was a mix of happy, sad, stressful, exciting…..oh scrap that, it was a stressful event for me. But God had His ways of supporting me and I appreciated His support style very much for this event. So for that, I have no more complaints and am thankful, and grateful. My brother and my sister-in-law are now happy and everything’s kinda falling into place, bit by bit, so far. ;)

Damn, dead end. No connecting thought! Haha….

Commercial muna: Do you know that Saddam Hussein died already? It’s so so sad… He was hanged .Yeah, I am actually mourning the death of Saddam. Like the way I “respect” Hitler and Marcos, I think Saddam deserves the same. He had that ability in him to persuade his people to do things for him. So anyway, he’s dead.

So are a lot of people. I think ’06 was also somehow a year of deaths, losses… A very good friend (a former teacher), lost her baby just recently to leukemia, it was a very very sad event. Another friend lost his brother due to heart attack.. at 29 years old…

What is the world coming to?

An hour of 2007 has passed. The neighbors are quiet. Fireworks all gone, stomachs all filled.

The silence must be enough to lull me to sleep. But I can’t seem to find the right words to close this entry…

2006...gone…turning points…milestones...consequences…choices…

It was a year of ”wins, loses and draws”…”crashing and burning”, for one particular choice I’ve made…

It was full of gains, loses, “*faints*”, “OMGs”, “eeks”, and a lot of other things.

But then, the other things can be reserved for 2007,

and “let’s see what happens…” (-- a line that came from a dream that will forever be remembered…)

Happy New Year to All of You.

To everyone: Thank you so so much for being a part of my year and for making it as eventful. You are not forgotten even if it’s not mentioned above.

And well, for special mentions…you know who all of you are.

So, thanks*tight hugs*mwah*mwah!*

Happy new year to you and your family.

Cheers!

Cha/0118H/010107