ina.

There are some times when I just want to shout, "I can't take it anymore..." or "Leave me alone..." Tell you what, I'm 19 but I feel like I'm 40 -- if I know how feeling 40 is like, this must be it.

They tell you that when people get older, they get more pessimistic. Me? I was born a pessimist turned optimist and now, trying to pretend that I'm an optimist. I've said once that my family is the biggest discouragement in my life. Ooohh, sounds awful mean. Ayaw ko rin namang sabihin yun. Pero throughout the years, I've been discouraged and shouted at enough to want to just dig a hole and stay there. They say all parents are the same pero ako ata naging particularly attached na ako that I feel that I am to blame for everything. Ewan ko ba. Malungkot lang talaga. In my family now, it's like I owe everything to my mother and because you're her child, you're not even worthy of doing something good for her. Sha lang ang tama, sha lang ang dapat masunod. Oh, I hated my tita when she texted me on my birthday and said, "Happy birthday, Charissa. Listen to your mother becuase mama knows best..." I didn't know if I should just laugh because it's so cliche or I should cry because of that revolting feeling that was forming inside of me.

I don't hate my family, but I wish they could've been more supportive. Sure, they are in their own way...but my mother, is an entirely different story. I feel indebted to her, not just for the basic fact na niluwal niya ako dito sa mundo, but well I feel indebted to her because she makes me feel indebted to her. "Wala kang makain kung wala ako, bingi at pipi ka na sana..." Oo, wala akong reklamo, ang nanay ko ay isang magaling na tao. Yun nga lang ang problema, dahil magaling sha, minsan feeling niya, tama na siya palagi. She's nearing her 6th decade, it's really gonna take God's miracles to make her open her eyes. As for me, I'm just tired of hearing about money all day, listening to sermons about cabinets, clothes, men, women and food.

Sure, mama knows best indeed. But please, let us have our lives naman. Not because we got it from you, it means that we have to repay you forever and we're merely your responsibility. I just don't get it.

Tinanong kahapon sa class, why I'm in psych. Una kasi noon ayaw ko lang talaga pumasok sa bus company namen. Pangalawa, kase ayaw ko lang talaga mag management. Pangatlo, kasi nakakasira na ng bait yung buong pamilya ko kailangan na talagang mabigyan ng pangalan yung mga kasiraan ng ulo nila.

Sadly, I think before I'll be able to do all the psychologizing I need, ako na mismo masisiraan na. There's only so much that a 19 year old girl can do and take. Sure, I'm in the prime of my youth happy to take any challenge head on. Pero kung halos buong buhay mo, napiga ka na, baka wala nang matira pag tanda ko.

One of my greatest fears is to be like my mother, for one, I don't want my kids to write like this. It's too painful. Sabe ng nanay ko, malalaman ko lang lahat kung nanay na ko, pero sana pag dating nung panahon na yon, hindi ko rin malilimutan kung pano ang nararamdaman ng isang anak.

Pagod na ko. Di lang sa pamilya pero sa kahit ano. After all, what seems to be my greatest strength is also my greatest weakness. Nakakaubos ng lakas.

Masarap nalang sumigaw, tama na, iwan niyo na ako.

Sa nanay ko, advanced happy mothers day po. May God's miracles work...

Get me out of here.