Pencil Marks and Erasures

Thought as for the moment:

A clean screen is about to get messy with the erasures I've been trying to do with the pencil marks of my mind.

Scattered Psychoholic Thoughts:

Have you ever tried to draw on a piece of rough paper using a #1 Mongol Pencil and trying to erase them afterwards? When I was younger, my mom had a box of those pencils locked up in the "Special" drawer. My siblings used to say I was a spoiled brat because I got to have more pencils than when they were younger. I abused those pencils, losing them even when they were still long, breaking them after a while. I was a pretty destructive child. I liked writing with a certain force that gave me that callus in the middle finger of my right hand. I liked erasing to a certain cleanliness that I usually end up putting a hole in the pad paper, then I had to rewrite the whole thing again...

I realized around a decade after, that I write my life stories the same way I write with #1 Mongol pencils, and sadly, I erase the same way too. I hit the paper hard, (whether mine or not) and try to erase until the whole burns through. (note: it's "try to erase...")

I went to church this morning and the pastor was talking about taking a step to become like a shining star. He was saying something that this is NOT about just saying "this is what I want to do" but rather, it's abuot taking a step to evenutally get there. I lied just a few minutes ago, telling my sister that my recent longing for a change, or for a transformation wasn't about him, because that him was an issue I got over with a long time ago. Yeah, SUPPOSEDLY. In the beggining, I gave myself 2 years to get over my emotional baggages, quiet my life, find my concentration and happiness. Until eventually, I realized that at almost the end of a year's span, that I am too stubborn to let go. His mere presence, makes me stop and turn around once more. It is only recently, at the 12th month that I realized, I have to take a step, and I decided to do it.

No, I won't just get up and go and forget this person. That's too drastic a measure, after all, I never believed that we should forget people who've touched our lives. But what I shall do perhaps, is simply store him in my threshold of memories and remember that I have such a memory to go back to. A certain period of events in my life, which I have learned from. Those events were lessons learned the hard way.

I'm still learning, in fact.

Right now, my step is towards the future. To see what opportunities await me, to know what dreams I should chase after, to see which plans to really fulfill. It's crazy that after such a long time, I centered a lot of my thoughts to one person. I still don't consider it wrong -- I mean, what's wrong with learning and trying to give all your best for a certain other? Nothing. It's just that personally, I think I forgot about my real center. I've been going to church regularly, but it seems that I've been neglecting my personal relationship with God. I've been praying only when I am hurt (hell lot of times, but still), I've been reading the Bible only when I felt like it, I've been going out of focus, and life's really been so erratic. Maybe it's about time, I take some time to straighten things out with God a bit. Don't worry, I am not blaming anyone. Because in reality, I know, that in this aspect, I was the one at fault.

I took a lot of turns in the path given to me by the Lord. I'm not blaming you (if you're reading this) because somehow, inside me, I know it was I who took the wrong turns, who drove on the wrong lanes, who made a lot of people stumble and fall. So, today, I decide, that maybe, it's about time to take a different path, hopefully this time, it's the right one.

I've been talking about letting go, talking about leaving and not turning back, talking about shelving memories and talking about looking forward -- yeah, I've been doing this for a million times already... It's pathetic to hear it again. But I shall do all that I said and do more.


What about the person?

Should I just burn a whole into his pad paper and leave him to submit a badly done work? No. I doubt that I can do that. Maybe, if the person is willing, I will help him do another. After all, I can still see him in different, but better light.

I've been writing on people's papers since I was born. I've been marking each and everyone of them sometimes with good stuff, sometimes with bad stuff. Mistakes, I try to erase, but sometimes, I burn a whole with my erasures. But pencil marks and erasers are never complete with life's boundless pad papers.

Hope to have more to write on. Hope to have less to erase.